General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did….

• HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
  Customer: “I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!”
  HelpLine: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
  Customer: “What’s an ignition?”
  HelpLine: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
  Customer: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?”

• HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
  Customer: “My car ran fine for a week and now it won’t go anywhere!”
  HelpLine: “Is the gas tank empty?”
  Customer: “Huh? How do I know?”
  HelpLine: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”
  Customer: “It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”
  HelpLine: “It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
  Customer: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

• HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
  Customer: “Your cars suck!”
  HelpLine: “What’s wrong?”
  Customer: “It crashed, that’s what wrong!”
  HelpLine: “What were you doing?”
  Customer: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It
  worked for a while and then it crashed and it won’t start now!
  HelpLine: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”
  Customer: “I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn’t crash any more!”

• HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
  Customer: “Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
  HelpLine: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
  Customer: “How do I work it?”
  HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
  Customer: “Do I know how to what?”
  HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
  Customer: “I’m not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!”