There are four major species of Unix sysad:<\/p>\n
SITUATION: Low disk space.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: New account creation.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Root disk fails.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Poor network response.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: User questions.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Stupid<\/I> user questions.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Process accounting management.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Balky printer daemons.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: OS upgrade.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Balky mail.<\/B><\/p>\n SITUATION: Users want phone list application.<\/B><\/p>\n TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE:<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:<\/p>\n <\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:<\/p>\n <\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:<\/p>\n <\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:<\/p>\n <\/strong><\/p>\n COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:<\/p>\n There are four major species of Unix sysad: The Technical Thug Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL. The Administrative Fascist Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[406,1395,1480],"class_list":["post-972","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-computers","tag-computer","tag-system-administrators","tag-unix"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/972","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=972"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/972\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=972"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=972"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=972"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
\nWrites a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate. <\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPuts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# cd \/home<\/TT>
\n# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk ‘{print $2}’`;<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
\n# cd \/home<\/TT>
\n# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk ‘{ printf “%s\/*n”, $2}’` | compress<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n\n
\nWrites a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPuts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk ‘{print $2}’`<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk ‘{print $2}’`<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nWrites perl script that creates home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in \/etc\/passwd, \/etc\/shadow, and \/etc\/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary
\nis still dithering over the difference between ‘enter’ and ‘return’; and so, no new accounts are ever created.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPuts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n“If you’re too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don’t want you on the system. We’ve got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway.”<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# cd \/home; mkdir “Bob’s home directory”<\/TT>
\n# echo “Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::\/dev\/tty:compress -f” > \/etc\/passwd<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nRepairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nBegins investigation to determine who broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n\n
\nDoesn’t notice anything wrong.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nWrites scripts to monitor network, then rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, “I’ve done all I can do,” and goes mountain climbing.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPuts network usage policy in motd. Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nEvery two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits for connections to time out.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# compress -f \/dev\/en0<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nHacks the code of emacs’ doctor-mode to answer new users questions. Doesn’t bother to tell people how to start the new “guru-mode”, or for that matter, emacs.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPuts user support policy in motd. Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nScreams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters knowledge for powerful drink and\/or sycophantic adulation.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nAnswers all questions to best of his knowledge until the user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nAnswers question in hex, binary, postfix, and\/or French until user gives up and goes away.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nLocks user’s account until user can present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# cat >> ~luser\/.cshrc<\/TT>
\nalias vi ‘rm !*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~\/.cshrc > ~\/.z; mv -f
\n~\/.z ~\/.cshrc’<\/TT>
\n^D<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nAnswers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user to system administration team.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nIgnores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts to sniff out any problems & compute charges. <\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nDevotes 75% of disk space to accounting records owned by root and chmod’ed 000.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nLaughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# lpr \/etc\/wtmp \/usr\/adm\/paact<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nBSD. Crippled on System V boxes.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nSystem V. Horrified by the people who use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPrefers BSD, but doesn’t care as long as HIS processes run quickly.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# cd c:<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nWeeps.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nAIX–doesn’t much care for the OS, but loves the jackboots.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nSystem V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much Big Financial Institutions
\nlove IBM… <\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nAIX.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nRewrites lpd<\/TT> in FORTH.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPuts printer use policy in motd. Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job fired.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nWrites script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# kill -9 \/dev\/lp ; \/dev\/lp &<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nReads source code of new release, takes only what he likes.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nInstigates lawsuit against the vendor for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# uptime<\/TT>
\n1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31<\/TT>
\n# wall<\/TT>
\nWell, it’s upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that 5:00 deadline, guys! We’re all pulling for you!<\/TT>
\n^D<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# dd if=\/dev\/rmt8 of=\/vmunix<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nRewrites sendmail.cf<\/TT> from scratch. Rewrites sendmail<\/TT> in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement “better” semaphores. Rewrites sendmail<\/TT> in assembly. Hacks kernel too… <\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPuts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk ‘{print $2}’`<\/TT>
\n# rm -f \/usr\/spool\/mail\/*<\/TT>
\n# wall<\/TT>
\nMail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.<\/TT>
\n^D<\/TT>
\n# write max<\/TT>
\nI’ve got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?<\/TT>
\n^D<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# echo “HELP!” | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nWrites RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nOracle. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nTells the users to use flat files and grep<\/TT>, the way God meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n% dd ibs=80 if=\/dev\/rdisk001s7 | grep “Fred”<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n
\nLonger than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a perl script, rewrites itself.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nTypical lines include:
\numask 777<\/TT>
\nalias cd ‘cd !*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& \/dev\/null &’<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nTypical lines include:
\nalias rm ‘rm -rf !*’<\/TT>
\nalias hose kill -9 ‘`ps -augxww | grep !* | awk ‘{print $2}’`’<\/TT>
\nalias kill ‘kill -9 !* ; kill -9 !* ; kill -9 !*’<\/TT>
\nalias renice ‘echo Renice? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 !*’<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nTypical lines include:
\nalias dir ls<\/TT>
\nalias era rm<\/TT>
\nalias kitty cat<\/TT>
\nalias process_table ps<\/TT>
\nsetenv DISPLAY vt100<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nWrites entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nBugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nVolunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nTies shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nDrinks “Smart Drinks.” Attends raves. Hangs out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nReads Readers Digest<\/I> and Mein Kampf<\/I>. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to pick up dominatrixes.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nReads Utne Reader<\/I> and Mein Kampf<\/I>. Faithfully attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say “virtual reality.” Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey,
\nBlack Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nReads Time<\/I> and Newsweek<\/I> –and believes<\/B> them. Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations — often succeeds, producing next generation of idiots.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nClinton, but only because he liked Gore’s book.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nBush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he liked Tipper.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nFrank Zappa.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nPerot<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nRichard Stallman – Larry Wall.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nNixon – Buchanan.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nFrank Zappa.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nQuayle<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nHacks kernel and writes a horde of scripts to prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nWrites scripts that seem<\/I> to be monitoring the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nAt first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering
\nwater-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\n# cp \/dev\/null \/etc\/passwd<\/TT><\/li>\n<\/p>\n
\nNapalms the CPU.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"