{"id":942,"date":"2014-12-26T12:32:56","date_gmt":"2014-12-26T10:32:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=942"},"modified":"2014-12-26T12:32:56","modified_gmt":"2014-12-26T10:32:56","slug":"its-better-to-shop-online-when","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=942","title":{"rendered":"It&#8217;s Better to Shop Online When&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet.<\/li>\n<li>Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel.<\/li>\n<p><li>No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter &#8212; until iSmell becomes<br \/>\navailable, that is.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria&#8217;s Secret store.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t have to worry about giving in to that Orange Julius temptation.<\/li>\n<li>Since you haven&#8217;t been able to get through your front door in years, Godiva.com is a Godsend.<\/li>\n<li>Within seconds of buying grandma a large-print bible, you&#8217;re back to downloading that sweet, sweet porn.<\/li>\n<li>Can continue to test your theory you can live without leaving your specially designed &#8220;BioChair 2&#8221;.<\/li>\n<li>Can openly consult the voices in your head when buying that gift for Jodie Foster.<\/li>\n<li>Less contact with other humans means fewer on your list to be gunned down at a later date.<\/li>\n<li>You can finally get that kidney Uncle Bob always wanted.<\/li>\n<li>In a store, you can&#8217;t pleasure yourself watching Tommy Lee put it to Pam while your purchase is being wrapped.<\/li>\n<li>No insensitive idiots razzing you about that place you tuck your wallet when you shop naked.<\/li>\n<li>When your name is Dick Buttlipz, it&#8217;s better to not have to hand your Visa to a 16 year old sales clerk.<\/li>\n<ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet. Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel. No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter &#8212; until iSmell becomes available, that is. The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria&#8217;s Secret [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[406,1101],"class_list":["post-942","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-computers","tag-computer","tag-online-shopping"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/942","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=942"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/942\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=942"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=942"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=942"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}