Training your human is a thankless task.
\n“Why bother with it?”, some kittens may ask.
\nThe fate of the world is the issue at hand,
\nas felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
\nMake no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
\nWe spray in the corners to drive home the point.<\/p>\n
Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
\nBut they’ve no fangs or claws, for what that’s worth.
\nThe cat is the ultimate species, you see,
\nWe’re poised to usurp man’s authority.
\nThese silly old humans who cannot play nice!
\nWe cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.<\/p>\n
Just what does training your human entail?
\nA host of fun things you must do without fail:
\nThe sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
\nThe La-Z-Boy’s target for kitty takeover.
\nThen sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
\nAnd make their best clothing a target of wrath.<\/p>\n
Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
\nThen tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
\nAnd when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
\npaw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
\nStrut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
\nknock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.<\/p>\n
Shed on mom’s new velvet black evening gown,
\nas she’s headed out for a night on the town.
\nIf they leave you home all alone for the night,
\n(Any human doing this can’t be all that bright),
\nThey’re telling you by leaving, it’s perfectly all right,
\nTo totally redecorate ’til dawn’s early light.
\nKnock over tables and chew up the fern.
\nHurry, go faster! Soon, they’ll return…<\/p>\n
When they try to punish, you mustn’t show concern.
\n(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
\nA snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
\nbut they will try harder to scold you, of course!
\nSo, hide in the closet until they forget,
\nand then launch out just like an F-14 jet.<\/p>\n
Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
\nthen when they’ve had all the pain they can stand,
\ndart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
\nand celebrate victory: The felines have won!
\nTo humans, however, the battle’s begun,
\nas they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.<\/p>\n
Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
\nMy friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
\nTake charge in your home. It’s destiny, meow.
\n(The verses above have already told how).
\nSo sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
\nAnd then train your human, beginning right now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Training your human is a thankless task. “Why bother with it?”, some kittens may ask. The fate of the world is the issue at hand, as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land. Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint. We spray in the corners to drive home the point. Some […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[322,1172],"class_list":["post-565","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cats","tag-cat","tag-poetry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/565","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=565"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/565\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=565"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=565"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=565"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}