{"id":46,"date":"2014-12-21T10:42:32","date_gmt":"2014-12-21T10:42:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=9"},"modified":"2014-12-21T10:42:32","modified_gmt":"2014-12-21T10:42:32","slug":"being-old-has-its-advantages","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=46","title":{"rendered":"Being Old Has Its Advantages"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>No more face lifts and tummy-tucks&#8230;just have somebody pull a handful, wad it all in a bunch behind your back, and tie it off.<\/li>\n<li>Forget driving&#8230;at 100+ you&#8217;ve been everywhere, anyway.<\/li>\n<li>At 100, you can insult whoever you want because nobody wants to yell at your for fear they&#8217;ll give you a heart attack. Never do this with your nurses, however&#8230;<\/li>\n<li>Pretend you can&#8217;t hear and make your visitors scream at the top of their lungs as they describe the weather outside. Watch for others&#8217; reactions.<\/li>\n<li>Make blatantly obscene come-ons to younger members of the opposite sex&#8230;they&#8217;ll just smile awkwardly and dismiss it as senility anyway.<\/li>\n<li>Describe your sponge bath in perfect detail and watch for reactions.<\/li>\n<li>When the art teacher tries to make &#8220;dough-art&#8221; crafts with you, immediately consume the dough.<\/li>\n<li>Remember, the food on the tray next to you is just as good &#8211; if not better &#8211; than your own.<\/li>\n<li>Nurses&#8217; lounges are known for the best lunches and snacks in town. Approach with stealth during bath and recreation time. Forget about napkins&#8230;especially with the BBQ rib dinners.<\/li>\n<li>Mumble unintelligible ramblings and stare into space. When the activities director hands you a crayola and paper, write this on it: &#8220;get me some cake&#8221;. It usually works the first time only.<\/li>\n<li>Always go to the activities classes&#8230;especially if you like cookies and bananas. Remember: a full glass of punch, well placed in elbow&#8217;s reach, can bring excitement to any dull gathering.<\/li>\n<li>Watch the faces of visitors who have to push the wheelchair of a person with a catheter bag&#8230;especially when they accidently kick the bag!<\/li>\n<li>For the young and young-at-heart:&#8230;find a convalescent hospital in your area. There will be at LEAST one person who has no family, no friends, no visitors. A visit for even 15 minutes a week will bring a spot of daylight in a very dark, dismal world.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>No more face lifts and tummy-tucks&#8230;just have somebody pull a handful, wad it all in a bunch behind your back, and tie it off. Forget driving&#8230;at 100+ you&#8217;ve been everywhere, anyway. At 100, you can insult whoever you want because nobody wants to yell at your for fear they&#8217;ll give you a heart attack. Never [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[115,924,1094],"class_list":["post-46","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-aging","tag-aging","tag-lists","tag-old"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=46"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=46"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=46"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=46"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}