{"id":440,"date":"2014-12-22T18:56:06","date_gmt":"2014-12-22T16:56:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=440"},"modified":"2014-12-22T18:56:06","modified_gmt":"2014-12-22T16:56:06","slug":"signs-your-cat-is-getting-old","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=440","title":{"rendered":"Signs Your Cat is Getting Old"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.<\/li>\n<li>All he wants to do is watch &#8220;Catlock.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.<\/li>\n<p><li>Last year:  Went a-courtin&#8217; carrying a &#8220;pencil full o&#8217; lead.&#8221;<br \/>\nThis year:  Goes a-courtin&#8217; carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>Bitches non-stop about the &#8220;bankrupt moral values of kittens these days.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You call this catnip?  Hell, I remember back in the &#8217;80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin&#8217; claws off&#8230;&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.<\/li>\n<li>Writes &#8220;Put me to sleep&#8221; in its litter box with pee.<\/li>\n<li>When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.<\/li>\n<li>Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.<\/li>\n<li>Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.<\/li>\n<li>Occasionally forgets to ignore you.<\/li>\n<li>Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.<\/li>\n<li>Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.<\/li>\n<li>While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day. All he wants to do is watch &#8220;Catlock.&#8221; Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip. Last year: Went a-courtin&#8217; carrying a &#8220;pencil full o&#8217; lead.&#8221; This year: Goes a-courtin&#8217; [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[322,924],"class_list":["post-440","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cats","tag-cat","tag-lists"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/440","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=440"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/440\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=440"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=440"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=440"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}