{"id":4195,"date":"2015-03-08T15:02:51","date_gmt":"2015-03-08T13:02:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=4195"},"modified":"2015-03-08T15:02:51","modified_gmt":"2015-03-08T13:02:51","slug":"i-am-thankful","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=4195","title":{"rendered":"I Am Thankful"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I&#8217;m telling you in advance, so don&#8217;t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won&#8217;t be coming, I&#8217;ve made a few small changes:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.<\/li>\n<li>Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I&#8217;ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.<\/li>\n<li>The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.<\/li>\n<li>Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.<\/li>\n<li>Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.<\/li>\n<li>We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I&#8217;m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.<\/li>\n<li>As accompaniment to the children&#8217;s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don&#8217;t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.<\/li>\n<li>We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We&#8217;ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.<\/li>\n<li>In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.<\/li>\n<li>Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress &#8220;private&#8221; meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.<\/li>\n<li>I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that &#8220;passing the rolls&#8221; is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.<\/li>\n<li>Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.<\/li>\n<li>Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won&#8217;t come next year either.<\/p>\n<p>I am thankful.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I&#8217;m telling you in advance, so don&#8217;t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won&#8217;t be coming, I&#8217;ve made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[54],"tags":[968,1429],"class_list":["post-4195","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-season","tag-martha-stewart","tag-thanksgiving"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4195","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4195"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4195\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4195"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4195"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4195"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}