{"id":4125,"date":"2015-03-01T14:09:30","date_gmt":"2015-03-01T12:09:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=4125"},"modified":"2015-03-01T14:09:30","modified_gmt":"2015-03-01T12:09:30","slug":"the-adult-night-before-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=4125","title":{"rendered":"The Adult Night Before Christmas"},"content":{"rendered":"
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
\nThe kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
\nThe doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
\nIt was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
\nMomma in her teddy and I in the nude,
\nHad just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
\nWhen out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
\nThat I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
\nUp to the window I sprang like an elf,
\nTore back the shade while she played with herself.
\nThe moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
\nShowed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
\nWhen what to my wondering eyes should appear,
\nBut a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
\nWith a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
\nA sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
\nSure as I’m speaking, he was high as a kite,
\nAnd he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
\nWoa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
\nEither slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
\nLook out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
\nQuit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
\nThey cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
\nJust as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
\nAnd then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
\nAs each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
\nI was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
\nWhen down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
\nHis suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
\nHe looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
\n“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
\n“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay awhile”
\nHe walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
\nThen whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
\nI started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
\nThe old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
\nBack in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
\nBut his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
\nThe first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
\nThe next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
\nA box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
\nAnd six pair of panties, the edible kind.
\nA bra without nipples, a penis extension,
\nAnd several more things I shouldn’t even mention.
\nA fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
\nAnd a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
\n“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
\nSo I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”
\nHe filled every stocking and then took his leave,
\nWith one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
\nHe sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
\nThus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
\nIn time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
\nSaying, “Take me home, Rudolf. This night’s been a bitch!”
\nThe sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
\n“The best thing about pussy is you can’t wear it out!!”\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[54,64],"tags":[105,1172],"class_list":["post-4125","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-season","category-twas","tag-adult","tag-poetry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4125","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4125"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4125\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4125"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4125"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4125"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}