{"id":4112,"date":"2015-03-01T12:17:32","date_gmt":"2015-03-01T10:17:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=4112"},"modified":"2015-03-01T12:17:32","modified_gmt":"2015-03-01T10:17:32","slug":"understanding-investments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=4112","title":{"rendered":"Understanding Investments"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<p><li>Stock<br \/>\nA magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Bond<br \/>\nWhat you had with your spouse until you pawned his\/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Broker<br \/>\nThe person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell &#8220;Broke&#8221;.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Bear<br \/>\nWhat your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Bull<br \/>\nWhat your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Margin<br \/>\nWhere you scribble the latest quotes when you&#8217;re supposed to be listening to your manager&#8217;s presentation.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Short Position<br \/>\nA type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn&#8217;t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. &#8220;The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I&#8217;m a little short this month.&#8221;).<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Commission<br \/>\nThe only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Yak<br \/>\nWhat you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Stock A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. Bond What you had with your spouse until you pawned his\/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. Broker The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62],"tags":[854],"class_list":["post-4112","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-thoughts","tag-investment"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4112","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4112"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4112\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4112"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4112"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4112"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}