{"id":410,"date":"2014-12-22T01:13:36","date_gmt":"2014-12-21T23:13:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=410"},"modified":"2014-12-22T01:13:36","modified_gmt":"2014-12-21T23:13:36","slug":"oil-changing-instructions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=410","title":{"rendered":"Oil Changing Instructions"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>WOMEN:<\/li>\n<ol>\n<li>Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.<\/li>\n<li>Drink a cup of coffee.<\/li>\n<li>15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<li>MEN:<\/li>\n<ol>\n<li>Go to O&#8217;Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.<\/li>\n<li>Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O&#8217;Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.<\/li>\n<li>Open a beer and drink it.<\/li>\n<li>Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.<\/li>\n<li>Find jack stands under kid&#8217;s pedal car.<\/li>\n<li>In frustration, open another beer and drink it.<\/li>\n<li>Place drain pan under engine.<\/li>\n<li>Look for 9\/16 box end wrench.<\/li>\n<li>Give up and use crescent wrench.<\/li>\n<li>Unscrew drain plug.<\/li>\n<li>Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.<\/li>\n<li>Clean up.<\/li>\n<li>Have another beer while oil is draining.<\/li>\n<li>Look for oil filter wrench.<\/li>\n<li>Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.<\/li>\n<li>Beer.<\/li>\n<li>Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.<\/li>\n<li>Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.<\/li>\n<li>Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.<\/li>\n<li>Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.<\/li>\n<li>Walk to 7-11; buy beer.<\/li>\n<li>Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.<\/li>\n<li>Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.<\/li>\n<li>Remember drain plug from step 11.<\/li>\n<li>Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.<\/li>\n<li>Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.<\/li>\n<li>Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.<\/li>\n<li>Bang head on floor board in reaction.<\/li>\n<li>Begin cussing fit.<\/li>\n<li>Throw wrench.<\/li>\n<li>Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 2001.<\/li>\n<li>Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.<\/li>\n<li>Beer.<\/li>\n<li>Beer.<\/li>\n<li>Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.<\/li>\n<li>Beer.<\/li>\n<li>Lower car from jack stands.<\/li>\n<li>Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.<\/li>\n<li>Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.<\/li>\n<li>Drive car<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>WOMEN: Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. Drink a cup of coffee. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. MEN: Go to O&#8217;Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[312,318,700],"class_list":["post-410","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-car","tag-car-repair","tag-cars","tag-gender-difference"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/410","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=410"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/410\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=410"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=410"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=410"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}