{"id":4051,"date":"2015-02-28T13:34:13","date_gmt":"2015-02-28T11:34:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=4051"},"modified":"2015-02-28T13:34:13","modified_gmt":"2015-02-28T11:34:13","slug":"the-worst-excuses-for-being-late-for-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=4051","title":{"rendered":"The Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>&#8220;Actually, I&#8217;ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy &#8212; I was just out chillin&#8217; in the van waiting for the end of the live version of &#8216;Freebird&#8217;.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you&#8217;re on.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We&#8217;re *open* on Tuesdays?!?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It took this long to get the ol&#8217; blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My proctologist got stuck.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It was Senator Kennedy&#8217;s turn to drive today, so I&#8217;ve spent the last hour swimming.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company&#8217;s office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Hey, time becomes meaningless when you&#8217;re as strung out on crystal meth as I am.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sorry, Sir.  I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Heidi Klum refused to untie me.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you &#8212; uh &#8212; this box of ten donuts.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning&#8230;  Sir.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My dog ate my presentation, sir.  And by &#8216;my dog&#8217; I mean your wife, and by &#8216;ate my presentation&#8217; I mean &#8216;was boinking me&#8217;.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;These are not the &#8216;droids you&#8217;re looking for.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;Actually, I&#8217;ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy &#8212; I was just out chillin&#8217; in the van waiting for the end of the live version of &#8216;Freebird&#8217;.&#8221; &#8220;I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you&#8217;re on.&#8221; &#8220;We&#8217;re *open* on Tuesdays?!?&#8221; &#8220;It took this long to get the ol&#8217; blood alcohol [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[70],"tags":[611],"class_list":["post-4051","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-work","tag-excuses"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4051","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4051"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4051\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4051"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4051"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4051"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}