{"id":4037,"date":"2015-02-28T13:28:31","date_gmt":"2015-02-28T11:28:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=4037"},"modified":"2015-02-28T13:28:31","modified_gmt":"2015-02-28T11:28:31","slug":"deep-thoughts-by-jack-handy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=4037","title":{"rendered":"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.<\/li>\n<li>The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.<\/li>\n<li>Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he&#8217;s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he&#8217;s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you&#8217;re drunk.<\/li>\n<li>I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children&#8217;s children, because I don&#8217;t think children should be having sex.<\/li>\n<li>If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, &#8220;God is crying.&#8221; And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, &#8220;Probably because of something you did.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that&#8217;s what REALLY throws you into a panic.<\/li>\n<li>If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).<\/li>\n<li>I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he&#8217;s so busy, you&#8217;d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.<\/li>\n<p><li>Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.<br \/>\nMANKIND.<br \/>\nBasically, it&#8217;s made up of two separate words &#8220;mank&#8221; and &#8220;ind.&#8221;<br \/>\nWhat do these words mean? It&#8217;s a mystery and that&#8217;s why so is mankind.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it&#8217;s probably best to avoid eye contact.<\/li>\n<li>If you ever reach total enlightenment while you&#8217;re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.<\/li>\n<li>As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.<\/li>\n<li>I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they&#8217;d never expect it.<\/li>\n<li>During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were &#8220;just going down to the corner.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don&#8217;t know what your rights are, or who the person is you&#8217;re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.<\/li>\n<li>If you&#8217;re a cowboy and you&#8217;re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.<\/li>\n<li>For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here&#8217;s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?<\/li>\n<li>Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.<\/li>\n<li>I hope that after I die, people will say of me: &#8220;That guy sure owed me a lot of money.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>If you get invited to your first orgy, don&#8217;t just show up nude. That&#8217;s a common mistake. You have to let nudity &#8220;happen.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. &#8220;Uh-oh,&#8221; he thought. &#8220;This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>To me, it&#8217;s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, &#8220;Hey, can you give me a hand?&#8221; You can say, &#8220;Sorry, got these sacks.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s easy to sit there and say you&#8217;d like to have more money.  And  I guess that&#8217;s what I like about it.  It&#8217;s easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.<\/li>\n<li>I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you&#8217;re having a good idea but it&#8217;s just eggs hatching.<\/li>\n<li>If I ever get real rich, I hope I&#8217;m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.<\/li>\n<li>Here&#8217;s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don&#8217;t know  anybody: First take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect  any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.<\/li>\n<li>Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don&#8217;t know what your rights are, or who the person is you&#8217;re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.<\/li>\n<li>Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you&#8217;d look out  your little window and think, &#8220;Boy, I&#8217;m glad I&#8217;m not out in that.&#8221; <\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he&#8217;s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that&#8217;s a documentary.<\/li>\n<li>I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because  then, Yahoo!, I&#8217;d have all my money back.<\/li>\n<li>If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let&#8217;em go, because, man, they&#8217;re gone.<\/li>\n<li>If you ever reach total enlightenment while you&#8217;re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62],"tags":[861],"class_list":["post-4037","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-thoughts","tag-jack-handy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4037","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4037"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4037\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4037"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4037"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4037"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}