{"id":3993,"date":"2015-02-28T13:05:41","date_gmt":"2015-02-28T11:05:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3993"},"modified":"2015-02-28T13:05:41","modified_gmt":"2015-02-28T11:05:41","slug":"what-if-god-had-voice-mail","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3993","title":{"rendered":"What if God Had Voice Mail?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life.  But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this&#8230;<\/p>\n<hr width=\"50%\">\n<p>Thank you for calling The Lord&#8217;s House.  Please select from the following options:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Press 1 for General Requests<\/li>\n<li>Press 2 for Thansgiving<\/li>\n<li>Press 3 for Complaints<\/li>\n<li>Press 4 for Healing<\/li>\n<li>Press 5 for Help with the IRS<\/li>\n<li>Press 6 for Rain or No Rain<\/li>\n<li>Press 7 for Miracles<\/li>\n<li>Press 8 for Lottery Winning Numbers<\/li>\n<li>Press 9 for All Other Inquiries, or Just to Say &#8220;Hi&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Press 0 to hear this menu again<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>What if God used the familiar excuse:  &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, all the angels are helping other sinners right now.  Please stay on the line.  Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.<\/p>\n<p>Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.<\/li>\n<li>For Michael, press 22.<\/li>\n<li>For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.<\/li>\n<li>If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55.  Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.<\/li>\n<li>To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter his or her date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.<\/li>\n<li>For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah&#8217;s Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a &#8220;heavenly perspective.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. Please be careful, your receiver may become warm.<\/li>\n<li>Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.<\/li>\n<li>This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).<\/li>\n<li>To order any religious material enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.<\/li>\n<li>For emergencies, refer to your Bible.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this&#8230; Thank you for calling The Lord&#8217;s House. Please select from the following options: Press 1 for General Requests Press 2 for [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,55],"tags":[1498],"class_list":["post-3993","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answering-machines","category-spirit","tag-voice-mail"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3993","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3993"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3993\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3993"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3993"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3993"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}