{"id":3949,"date":"2015-02-22T15:02:08","date_gmt":"2015-02-22T13:02:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3949"},"modified":"2015-02-22T15:02:08","modified_gmt":"2015-02-22T13:02:08","slug":"you-know-your-covens-getting-older-when","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3949","title":{"rendered":"You Know Your Coven&#8217;s Getting Older When&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>The ritual feast is pur\u00e9ed.<\/li>\n<li>Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.<\/li>\n<li>The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.<\/li>\n<li>Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.<\/li>\n<li>The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.<\/li>\n<li>The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.<\/li>\n<li>The coveners drive their RV&#8217;s to Scottsdale for Mabon.<\/li>\n<li>When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.<\/li>\n<p>&#8216;<\/p>\n<li>It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.<\/li>\n<li>The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.<\/li>\n<li>You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.<\/li>\n<li>You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through 5&#8242; of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.<\/li>\n<li>You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.<\/li>\n<li>At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.<\/li>\n<li>You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can&#8217;t remember why.<\/li>\n<li>You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.<\/li>\n<li>You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.<\/li>\n<li>All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed.<\/li>\n<li>Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.<\/li>\n<li>A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.<\/li>\n<li>No one&#8217;s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.<\/li>\n<li>You set comfy chairs around the circle.<\/li>\n<li>When you sit on the floor and can&#8217;t get up again.<\/li>\n<li>You do anointings with Aspercreme.<\/li>\n<li>The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.<\/li>\n<li>You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes &#038; Ale because you need the fiber.<\/li>\n<li>You don&#8217;t use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.<\/li>\n<li>You use a walker during the Wild Hunt.<\/li>\n<li>You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.<\/li>\n<li>You need a flashlight to find the candles.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The ritual feast is pur\u00e9ed. Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate. The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled. Viagra is kept in the coven supplies. The maiden of the coven is a grandmother. The ritual room is [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[449,1521],"class_list":["post-3949","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spirit","tag-coven","tag-wicca"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3949","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3949"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3949\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3949"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3949"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3949"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}