{"id":3915,"date":"2015-02-18T15:27:45","date_gmt":"2015-02-18T13:27:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3915"},"modified":"2015-02-18T15:27:45","modified_gmt":"2015-02-18T13:27:45","slug":"gods-total-quality-management-questionnaire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3915","title":{"rendered":"God’s Total Quality Management Questionnaire"},"content":{"rendered":"

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.<\/p>\n

    \n

  1. How did you find out about God?
    \n___ Newspaper
    \n___ Other Book
    \n___ Television
    \n___ Divine Inspiration
    \n___ Word of Mouth
    \n___ Near Death Experience
    \n___ Tabloid
    \n___ Burning Shrubbery
    \n___ Bible
    \n___ Torah
    \n___ who?
    \n___ Other (specify):_________________________ <\/li>\n<\/p>\n

  2. Which model God did you acquire?
    \n___ Yahweh
    \n___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
    \n___ Jehovah
    \n___ Jesus
    \n___ Allah
    \n___ Satan
    \n___ God
    \n___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
    \n___ don’t know what you’re talking about.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n

  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
    \n___ Yes
    \n___ No
    \nIf no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:______________________________\n<\/li>\n<\/p>\n

  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
    \n___ Indoctrinated by parents
    \n___ Needed a reason to live
    \n___ Indoctrinated by society
    \n___ Needed focus in whom to despise
    \n___ Imaginary friend grew up
    \n___ Hate to think for myself
    \n___ Wanted to meet girls\/boys
    \n___ Fear of death
    \n___ Wanted to piss off parents
    \n___ Needed a day away from work
    \n___ Desperate need for certainty
    \n___ Like Organ Music
    \n___ Need to feel Morally Superior
    \n___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
    \n___ don’t know<\/li>\n<\/p>\n

  5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
    \n___ Odin
    \n___ Cthulhu
    \n___ Zeus
    \n___ The Almighty Dollar
    \n___ Apollo
    \n___ Left Wing Liberalism
    \n___ The Radical Right
    \n___ Ra
    \n___ Barney T.B.P.D.
    \n___ The great Spirit
    \n___ The Great Pumpkin
    \n___ The Sun
    \n___ Barack Obama
    \n___ Teemu Selanne
    \n___ Lady Gaga
    \n___ The Moon
    \n___ A burning cabbage
    \n___ drugs
    \n___ Other: ________________<\/li>\n<\/p>\n

  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
    \n___ Tarot
    \n___ Lottery
    \n___ Astrology
    \n___ Television
    \n___ Fortune cookies
    \n___ Ann Landers
    \n___ Psychic Friends Network
    \n___ Dianetics
    \n___ Self-help books
    \n___ Biorhythms
    \n___ Alcohol
    \n___ Barack Obama
    \n___ Teemu Selanne
    \n___ Tea Leaves
    \n___ EST
    \n___ Mantras
    \n___ Jimmy Swaggert
    \n___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
    \n___ Human Sacrifice
    \n___ Pyramids
    \n___ Wandering around a desert
    \n___ Insurance policies
    \n___ Burning Shrubbery
    \n___ Barney T.B.P.D.
    \n___ Barney Fife
    \n___ Other: _____________________
    \n___ None<\/li>\n<\/p>\n

  7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
    \na. More Divine Intervention
    \nb. Less Divine Intervention
    \nc. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    \nd. Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):\n

    a. Disasters:<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
    flood<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    famine<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    earthquake<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    war<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    pestilence<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    plague<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    SPAM<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    AOL<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n

    b. Miracles:<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
    rescues<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    spontaneous remissions<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    stars hovering over towns<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    crying statues<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    water changing to wine<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    walking on water<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    VCRs that set their own clocks<\/td>\n1<\/td>\n2<\/td>\n3<\/td>\n4<\/td>\n5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n<\/ol>\n
  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)<\/li>\n

    If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1×10^256, depending on number of beings entered).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[1386],"class_list":["post-3915","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spirit","tag-survey"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3915","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3915"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3915\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3915"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3915"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3915"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}