{"id":3667,"date":"2015-02-05T17:49:21","date_gmt":"2015-02-05T15:49:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3667"},"modified":"2015-02-05T17:49:21","modified_gmt":"2015-02-05T15:49:21","slug":"the-asshole-bill-of-rights","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3667","title":{"rendered":"The Asshole Bill of Rights"},"content":{"rendered":"

As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.<\/li>\n
  2. I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned.<\/li>\n
  3. If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.<\/li>\n
  4. I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.<\/li>\n
  5. If I think someone’s an idiot, I will tell them they’re an idiot.<\/li>\n
  6. I have the right to tell children that their parents aren’t raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you’ve been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time…what exactly would you want to say that’d be any nicer?)<\/li>\n
  7. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, shut the hell up.<\/li>\n
  8. You may have the right to speak, but I don’t have to listen to you.<\/li>\n
  9. If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it’s a free country.<\/li>\n
  10. If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk, and have unsafe sex with the woman\/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I’m at it.<\/li>\n
  11. I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.<\/li>\n
  12. Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!<\/li>\n
  13. Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.<\/li>\n
  14. Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, and you’re worried about my religious beliefs?<\/li>\n
  15. Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.<\/li>\n
  16. Just because you work at McDonald’s doesn’t mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.<\/li>\n
  17. (Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you’re a student does not mean that you’re any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.<\/li>\n
  18. Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!<\/li>\n
  19. If you’re stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the consequences.<\/li>\n
  20. It’s ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn’t have the $5, what makes you think I’m going to have $25 you retards!!)<\/li>\n
  21. If you don’t like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.<\/li>\n
  22. If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it’s a newborn baby?<\/li>\n
  23. If I shoot you while you’re committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I’ll shoot you again.<\/li>\n
  24. Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.<\/li>\n
  25. If you live in Tornado Alley, don’t whine when you get hit by a tornado.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following: I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness. I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned. If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow. I have the right to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[52],"tags":[237],"class_list":["post-3667","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rules","tag-bill-of-rights"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3667","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3667"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3667\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3667"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3667"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3667"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}