{"id":3617,"date":"2015-01-25T20:15:45","date_gmt":"2015-01-25T18:15:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3617"},"modified":"2015-01-25T20:15:45","modified_gmt":"2015-01-25T18:15:45","slug":"the-cynics-guide-to-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3617","title":{"rendered":"The Cynic&#8217;s Guide to Life"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Follow your dream! Unless it&#8217;s the one where you&#8217;re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.<\/li>\n<li>Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you&#8217;ll inhale a bee.<\/li>\n<li>Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.<\/li>\n<li>If you don&#8217;t like my driving, don&#8217;t call anyone. Just take another road. That&#8217;s why the highway department made so many of them.<\/li>\n<li>If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.<\/li>\n<li>When I&#8217;m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor&#8217;s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s always darkest before the dawn. So if you&#8217;re going to steal the neighbor&#8217;s newspaper, that&#8217;s the time to do it.<\/li>\n<li>A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.<\/li>\n<li>Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the &#8220;What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is&#8221;.<\/li>\n<li>Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.<\/li>\n<li>Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor&#8217;s car!<\/li>\n<li>When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.<\/li>\n<li>This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That&#8217;s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.<\/li>\n<li>Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It&#8217;s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.<\/li>\n<li>This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.<\/li>\n<li>Love is like a roller coaster: When it&#8217;s good you don&#8217;t want to get off, and when it isn&#8217;t, you can&#8217;t wait to throw up.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Follow your dream! Unless it&#8217;s the one where you&#8217;re at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you&#8217;ll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62],"tags":[472],"class_list":["post-3617","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-thoughts","tag-cynic"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3617","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3617"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3617\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3617"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3617"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3617"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}