{"id":3532,"date":"2015-01-25T13:33:05","date_gmt":"2015-01-25T11:33:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3532"},"modified":"2015-01-25T13:33:05","modified_gmt":"2015-01-25T11:33:05","slug":"ten-rules-of-housekeeping","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3532","title":{"rendered":"Ten Rules of Housekeeping"},"content":{"rendered":"<ol>\n<li>Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.<\/li>\n<li>Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch &#8220;The Galapagos Islands&#8221; and claim an ecological exemption.<\/li>\n<li>Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.<\/li>\n<li>Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, &#8220;What? And spoil the mood?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.<\/li>\n<li>Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.<\/li>\n<li>If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, &#8220;I&#8217;d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that &#8220;THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes&#8230;&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, &#8220;Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident&#8230; I haven&#8217;t had the heart to clean it&#8230;&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, &#8220;I clean and I clean and I still don&#8217;t get anywhere&#8230;&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch &#8220;The Galapagos Islands&#8221; and claim an ecological exemption. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,52],"tags":[813],"class_list":["post-3532","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-around-the-house","category-rules","tag-house"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3532","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3532"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3532\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3532"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3532"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3532"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}