{"id":3520,"date":"2015-01-25T13:25:35","date_gmt":"2015-01-25T11:25:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3520"},"modified":"2015-01-25T13:25:35","modified_gmt":"2015-01-25T11:25:35","slug":"new-rules-to-live-by","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3520","title":{"rendered":"(New) Rules to Live By"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Don&#8217;t throw a brick straight up.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t take long naps while driving.<\/li>\n<li>Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.<\/li>\n<li>Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don&#8217;t make any more.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t microwave yourself too often.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t stick body parts into electrical outlets.<\/li>\n<li>When using an acetylene torch, don&#8217;t feel the flame to see if it&#8217;s sufficiently hot.<\/li>\n<li>If you&#8217;re on a ball field and someone shouts, &#8220;Heads up!&#8221; don&#8217;t actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.<\/li>\n<li>When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.<\/li>\n<li>No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.<\/li>\n<li>When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.<\/li>\n<li>When you find a prize in a box of &#8220;Crackerjacks,&#8221; there is no need to report it on your income tax return.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Time&#8221; magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist.  Get a watch.<\/li>\n<li>One + one = two.  Try to remember that.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t count the peas in a can.  It is not an exact science.<\/li>\n<li>If you discover that February only has 28 days, don&#8217;t report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.<\/li>\n<li>For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><P>If you found above rules useful, under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.<\/P><\/p>\n<p><P>April 1st is Your special high holy day.<\/P><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Don&#8217;t throw a brick straight up. Don&#8217;t take long naps while driving. Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them. Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don&#8217;t make any more. Don&#8217;t microwave yourself too often. Don&#8217;t stick body parts into electrical outlets. When using an acetylene torch, don&#8217;t feel the flame [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[52],"tags":[750],"class_list":["post-3520","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rules","tag-guidelines"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3520","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3520"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3520\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3520"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3520"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3520"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}