{"id":3486,"date":"2015-01-25T12:44:23","date_gmt":"2015-01-25T10:44:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3486"},"modified":"2015-01-25T12:44:23","modified_gmt":"2015-01-25T10:44:23","slug":"ricks-laws-of-crowded-department-stores","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3486","title":{"rendered":"Rick&#8217;s Laws of Crowded Department Stores"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>A stunned, bewildered idiot will stand at the intersection of two or more major traffic aisles so as to cause the most inconvenience to passers-by who do know where they are going.<\/li>\n<li>Such idiot will be carrying at least one bag capable of comfortably holding a &#8217;57 Buick, and will make sudden, random turns so as to fling the bag into the shins (or worse) of passers-by.<\/li>\n<li>When such idiot is intercepted by family and\/or friends and removed from the location, they will be replaced by a freshly bewildered idiot within 2.5 minutes, maximum.<\/li>\n<li>No matter how many signs (or how big they are) the store puts up clearly announcing &#8220;NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES DEC 26 or 27&#8221; there will be no less than 5 morons crowded into every cashier&#8217;s line who figure this rule couldn&#8217;t possibly apply to them.  And they&#8217;ll be pretty huffy about it, too.<\/li>\n<li>Nitwits who can clearly afford baby sitters (either that, or they&#8217;re shoplifting the 5 high-end DVD players under their arm) will have the curious impression that After Christmas shopping is exactly the sort of bonding event their squalling 3-week-old offspring wants most to do in this life.<\/li>\n<li>The parking lot of any store over 300 square meters will contain no less than 17 Sport Utility Vehicles with dogs pretending to be ready to drive off at a moment&#8217;s notice. When the supervising human does return, odds are 50:50 that the dog will occupy said human&#8217;s lap as driving commences. Especially if the dog is the size of a Saturn Launch Vehicle.<\/li>\n<li>No idiot driving a SUV has any grasp of the physical size of the vehicle, with the result being that parking them involves maneuvers hitherto unaccomplished by the entire Kirov Ballet.<\/li>\n<li>Imbeciles paying for purchases of Items Necessary to Life (consumer electronics, compact disks, angora sweaters..) with $50 bills will be constantly complaining about the state of abject poverty they live in.<\/li>\n<li>Seven hours before closing time December 24, Wal-Mart will start setting up displays of huge saccharine Valentine&#8217;s Bears, each clutching over-sized satin hearts.<\/li>\n<li>Any mall containing a theater will have an aroma of popcorn frying in rancid canola emanating into the hall. The smell will be strong enough to gag a badger. And patrons will buy it at prices per ounce greater than those for top sirloin, under the impression it&#8217;s somehow &#8220;healthy&#8221; for them, and that the 4 tablespoons of salt on it somehow don&#8217;t count.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A stunned, bewildered idiot will stand at the intersection of two or more major traffic aisles so as to cause the most inconvenience to passers-by who do know where they are going. Such idiot will be carrying at least one bag capable of comfortably holding a &#8217;57 Buick, and will make sudden, random turns so [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[52],"tags":[1369],"class_list":["post-3486","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rules","tag-stores"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3486","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3486"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3486\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3486"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3486"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3486"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}