{"id":3461,"date":"2015-01-25T11:41:19","date_gmt":"2015-01-25T09:41:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3461"},"modified":"2015-01-25T11:41:19","modified_gmt":"2015-01-25T09:41:19","slug":"martha-stewarts-tips-for-rednecks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3461","title":{"rendered":"Martha Stewart&#8217;s Tips for Rednecks"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Never take a beer to a job interview.<\/li>\n<li>Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.<\/li>\n<li>If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.<\/li>\n<li>Even if you&#8217;re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.<\/li>\n<div align=\"center\"><strong>DINING OUT<\/strong><\/div>\n<li>When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to &#8220;bruise&#8221; the fruit of the vine.<\/li>\n<li>If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.<\/li>\n<div align=\"center\"><strong>ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME<\/strong><\/div>\n<li>A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.<\/li>\n<li>Do not allow the dog to eat at the table&#8230;no matter how good his manners are.<\/li>\n<li>If your dog falls in love with a guest&#8217;s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.<\/li>\n<div align=\"center\"><strong>PERSONAL HYGIENE<\/strong><\/div>\n<li>While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one&#8217;s OWN truck keys.<\/li>\n<li>Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.<\/li>\n<li>Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman&#8217;s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.<\/li>\n<div align=\"center\"><strong>DATING (Outside the Family)<\/strong><\/div>\n<li>Always offer to bait your date&#8217;s hook, especially on the first date.<\/li>\n<li>Be aggressive.  Let her know you&#8217;re interested:  &#8220;I&#8217;ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say &#8220;Monday.&#8221;  If the latter is the answer, it is the man&#8217;s responsibility to get her to school on time.<\/li>\n<div align=\"center\"><strong>THEATER ETIQUETTE<\/strong><\/div>\n<li>Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.<\/li>\n<li>Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests have proven they can&#8217;t hear you.<\/li>\n<div align=\"center\"><strong>WEDDINGS<\/strong><\/div>\n<li>Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.<\/li>\n<li>Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.<\/li>\n<li>For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.<\/li>\n<li>Though uncomfortable, say &#8220;yes&#8221; to socks and shoes for this special occasion.<\/li>\n<div align=\"center\"><b>DRIVING ETIQUETTE<\/b><\/div>\n<li>Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.<\/li>\n<li>When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.<\/li>\n<li>Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.<\/li>\n<li>When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.<\/li>\n<li>Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It&#8217;s considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you&#8217;re certain that you are included in the will, it is still [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,50],"tags":[603],"class_list":["post-3461","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-martha","category-redneck","tag-etiquette"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3461","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3461"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3461\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3461"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3461"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3461"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}