{"id":3448,"date":"2015-01-25T11:35:11","date_gmt":"2015-01-25T09:35:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3448"},"modified":"2015-01-25T11:35:11","modified_gmt":"2015-01-25T09:35:11","slug":"the-code-of-the-west","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3448","title":{"rendered":"The Code of the West"},"content":{"rendered":"<div align=\"center\">A Cowboy&#8217;s Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>A body can pretend to care, but they can&#8217;t pretend to be there.<\/li>\n<li>A lot of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck.<\/li>\n<li>A man with an edgy smile is like a dog with a waggin&#8217; tail: he&#8217;s not happy, he&#8217;s nervous.<\/li>\n<li>A smart ass just don&#8217;t fit in a saddle.<\/li>\n<li>After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you&#8217;re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.<\/li>\n<li>After weeks of beans and taters, even a change to taters and beans is good.<\/li>\n<li>Always drink upstream from the herd.<\/li>\n<li>Always take a good look at what you&#8217;re about to eat. It&#8217;s not so important to know what it is, but it&#8217;s critical to know what it was.<\/li>\n<li>Any time a large herd moves through a civilized area there&#8217;s a lot of shit to clean up.<\/li>\n<li>Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.<\/li>\n<li>Control your generosity when you&#8217;re dealin&#8217; with a chronic borrower.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t get mad at somebody who knows more &#8216;n you do.  It ain&#8217;t their fault.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t interfere with something that ain&#8217;t botherin&#8217; you none.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t let so much reality into your life that there&#8217;s no room left for dreamin&#8217;.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t never interfere with something that ain&#8217;t botherin&#8217; you none.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t squat with yer spurs on!<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t worry about bitin&#8217; off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger&#8217;n you think.<\/li>\n<li>Generally, you ain&#8217;t learnin&#8217; nothing when your mouth&#8217;s a-jawin&#8217;.<\/li>\n<li>Generally speaking, fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.<\/li>\n<li>Go after life as if it&#8217;s something that&#8217;s got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.<\/li>\n<li>Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.<\/li>\n<li>If it don&#8217;t seem like it&#8217;s worth the effort, it probably ain&#8217;t.<\/li>\n<li>If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin&#8217;.<\/li>\n<li>If you get to thinkin&#8217; you&#8217;re a person of some influence, try orderin&#8217; somebody else&#8217;s dog around.<\/li>\n<li>If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin&#8217; boots.<\/li>\n<li>If you&#8217;re gonna go, go like hell. If your mind&#8217;s not made up, don&#8217;t use your spurs.<\/li>\n<li>If you&#8217;re ridin&#8217; ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it&#8217;s still there.<\/li>\n<li>If you&#8217;re sittin&#8217; at a counter eatin&#8217;, leave your hat on. If you&#8217;re sittin&#8217; at a table take it off.<\/li>\n<li>It don&#8217;t matter so much how long a ride you have,  as how well you ride it.<\/li>\n<li>It don&#8217;t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.<\/li>\n<li>Lettin&#8217; the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier &#8216;n puttin&#8217; it back.<\/li>\n<li>Makin&#8217; it in life is kinda like bustin&#8217; broncs:  you&#8217;re gonna get thrown a lot.  The simple secret is to keep gettin&#8217; back on.<\/li>\n<li>Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.<\/li>\n<li>Never ask a man the size of his spread.<\/li>\n<li>Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.<\/li>\n<li>Never get up before breakfast. If you have to get up before breakfast, eat breakfast first.<\/li>\n<li>Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you&#8217;re out of good whiskey.<\/li>\n<li>Never grumble.  It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp.<\/li>\n<li>Never joke with mules of cooks as they have no sense of humor.<\/li>\n<li>Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.<\/li>\n<li>Never miss a chance to rest your horse.<\/li>\n<li>Never miss a good chance to shut up.<\/li>\n<li>Never smack a man who&#8217;s chewin&#8217; tobacco.<\/li>\n<li>Never take another man&#8217;s bet. He wouldn&#8217;t offer it if he didn&#8217;t know somethin&#8217; you don&#8217;t.<\/li>\n<li>Never take to sawin&#8217; on the branch that&#8217;s supportin&#8217; you, unless you&#8217;re bein&#8217; hung from it.<\/li>\n<li>No matter who says what, don&#8217;t believe it if it don&#8217;t make sense.<\/li>\n<li>Only a buzzard feeds on his friends<\/li>\n<li>Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.<\/li>\n<li>Talk low, talk slow, and don&#8217;t say too much.<\/li>\n<li>Tellin&#8217; a man to git lost and makin&#8217; him do it are two entirely different propositions.<\/li>\n<li>The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone,  grill it, and when it&#8217;s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.<\/li>\n<li>The best way to cook any part of a rangy ol&#8217; longhorn is to toss it in a pot with a horseshoe, and when the horseshoe is soft and tender, you can eat the beef.<\/li>\n<li>The biggest troublemaker you&#8217;ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.<\/li>\n<li>The easiest way to eat crow is while it&#8217;s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.<\/li>\n<li>The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson.<\/li>\n<li>The length of the converstaion don&#8217;t tell nothin&#8217; about the size of the intellect.<\/li>\n<li>The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.<\/li>\n<li>The wildest critters live in the city!<\/li>\n<li>There&#8217;s more ways to skin a cat than stickin&#8217; his head in a boot jack and jerkin&#8217; on his tail.<\/li>\n<li>Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.<\/li>\n<li>Too much debt doubles the weight on your horse and puts another in control of the reins.<\/li>\n<li>Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.<\/li>\n<li>Wet dogs are never welcome<\/li>\n<li>When dealin&#8217; with a slick son of a b&#8230; start off by pinnin&#8217; him down and changin&#8217; his oil.<\/li>\n<li>When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don&#8217;t be suprised if they learn their lesson.<\/li>\n<li>When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don&#8217;t be surprised if they learn their lesson.<\/li>\n<li>When you&#8217;re pickin&#8217; a workin&#8217; horse, look for one named Screwtail, Stump Sucker, Pat&#8217;s Ass, Pearly Gates, Liver Pill, or Darlin&#8217; Jill. Leave the Champions and Silvers for the show ring.<\/li>\n<li>When you&#8217;re throwin&#8217; your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.<\/li>\n<li>When you&#8217;re tryin&#8217; something new, the fewer people who know about it, the better.<\/li>\n<li>Write it in your heart.  Stand by the code, and it will stand by you.<\/li>\n<li>You don&#8217;t need decorated words to make your meanin&#8217; clear.  Say it plain and save some breath for breathin&#8217;.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A Cowboy&#8217;s Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender A body can pretend to care, but they can&#8217;t pretend to be there. A lot of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck. A man with an edgy smile is like a dog with a waggin&#8217; tail: he&#8217;s not happy, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[60],"tags":[451,1427],"class_list":["post-3448","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-texas","tag-cowboy","tag-texas-bix-bender"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3448","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3448"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3448\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3448"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3448"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3448"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}