{"id":3307,"date":"2015-01-24T00:00:21","date_gmt":"2015-01-23T22:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3307"},"modified":"2015-01-24T00:00:21","modified_gmt":"2015-01-23T22:00:21","slug":"more-one-liners","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3307","title":{"rendered":"More One-Liners"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Great for those Email Signatures<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind.<\/li>\n<li>All power corrupts, but we need electricity.<\/li>\n<li>All roads lead to Amber.<\/li>\n<li>All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.<\/li>\n<li>All the world&#8217;s an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts.<\/li>\n<li>All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.<\/li>\n<li>Amateur Time Lord.<\/li>\n<li>American Non-Sequitor Society &#8211; we don&#8217;t make sense, but we do like pizza.<\/li>\n<li>Anarcho-Paladin Anarchy &#8211; It&#8217;s not the law, it&#8217;s just a good idea.<\/li>\n<li>Anything not nailed down is mine.  Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.<\/li>\n<li>Are we having fun yet?<\/li>\n<li>Artificial Intelligence<\/li>\n<li>Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.<\/li>\n<li>ASK ME &#8230; I&#8217;m shy.<\/li>\n<li>Assassins do it from behind.<\/li>\n<li>The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.<\/li>\n<li>Avoid cliches like the plague &#8230; they&#8217;re a dime a dozen.<\/li>\n<li>Back off, man &#8230; I&#8217;m a scientist!<\/li>\n<li>BACK RUBS (Given with pleasure, received with ecstasy.<\/li>\n<li>Ban the bomb &#8230; Save the world for conventional warfare.<\/li>\n<li>Be yourself &#8230; It&#8217;s a dirty job, but somebody&#8217;s got to do it.<\/li>\n<li>Beam me up, Scotty &#8230; it ate my phaser!<\/li>\n<li>Beam me up, Scotty &#8230; the elevators don&#8217;t work.<\/li>\n<li>Beam me up, Scotty &#8230; there&#8217;s no intelligent life here.<\/li>\n<li>The beauty of a pun is in the &#8220;Oy!&#8221; of the beholder.<\/li>\n<li>Being weird isn&#8217;t enough.<\/li>\n<li>Berserkers do it without thinking.<\/li>\n<li>Better dead than mellow.<\/li>\n<li>Better living through alchemy.<\/li>\n<li>Beware!  I&#8217;m armed and have pre-menstrual tension!<\/li>\n<li>Beware of Quantam Ducks!  Quark!  Quark!  Quark!<\/li>\n<li>Bill the Cat Fan Club<\/li>\n<li>Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.<\/li>\n<li>Bombs don&#8217;t kill people &#8230; explosions kill people.<\/li>\n<li>Born to be cuddled.<\/li>\n<li>Born to shop.<\/li>\n<li>Built for comfort, not for speed.<\/li>\n<li>Bureaucrats cut red tape &#8230; lengthwise!<\/li>\n<li>Busydo &#8230; the way of the shrub.  Bonsai!<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;C&#8221; combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.<\/li>\n<li>Caffiend!<\/li>\n<li>Calm down &#8230; it&#8217;s only ones and zeros.<\/li>\n<li>Caution &#8230; Contents under pressure.<\/li>\n<li>Cuation:  Hungry Dieter &#8230; may bite if provoked.<\/li>\n<li>Certified Public Assassin<\/li>\n<li>A closed mouth gathers no feet.<\/li>\n<li>COBOL sucks, Pascal bytes, and assembly is a bits.<\/li>\n<li>Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process.<\/li>\n<li>Cthulu Cthucks<\/li>\n<li>Cthulu for President &#8211; if you&#8217;re tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.<\/li>\n<li>Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast.<\/li>\n<li>Delight and amaze me!<\/li>\n<li>The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.<\/li>\n<li>Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.<\/li>\n<li>Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for it makes them soggy and hard to light.<\/li>\n<li>Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.<\/li>\n<li>DON&#8217;T BUILD MORE NUKES &#8230; until we&#8217;ve used the ones we have.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t get even &#8230; get odd!<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t hate yourself in the morning &#8230; sleep til noon.<\/li>\n<li>Don&#8217;t just stare at me &#8230; fantasize!<\/li>\n<li>Dragonriders do it in between.<\/li>\n<li>Dreamers build castles in the air, psychotics live in them, psychologists collect the rent. Pessimists build dungeons in the air.<\/li>\n<li>Dyslexics have more fnu!<\/li>\n<li>Dyslexics untie!  Together we can trip up the world!<\/li>\n<li>Eat the rich &#8230; the poor are tough and stringy.<\/li>\n<li>Entropy isn&#8217;t what it used to be.<\/li>\n<li>Entropy requires no maintenance.<\/li>\n<li>Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies.<\/li>\n<li>Every silver lining has a cloud.<\/li>\n<li>Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.<\/li>\n<li>Experience is what you get when you didn&#8217;t get what you wanted.<\/li>\n<li>Excuse me while I change into something more formidable.<\/li>\n<li>Feline Sapiens<\/li>\n<li>The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny.<\/li>\n<li>43% of all statistics are worthless.<\/li>\n<li>Go, lemmings, go!<\/li>\n<li>Good Morning is a contradiction in terms.<\/li>\n<li>Graduate of the Mad Max School of Defensive Driving<\/li>\n<li>Happiness is a TARDIS with a working dematerialization circuit.<\/li>\n<li>Happiness is the Planet Earth in your rear view mirror.<\/li>\n<li>Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances?<\/li>\n<li>Have a nice day somewhere else.<\/li>\n<li>Have an adequate day.<\/li>\n<li>Have an illuminated day.<\/li>\n<li>Have TARDIS, will travel.<\/li>\n<li>Have you hugged your dragon today?<\/li>\n<li>Hedonist for hire &#8230; no job too easy.<\/li>\n<li>Heralds don&#8217;t pun &#8230; they cant.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s dead, Jim. Of course he&#8217;s dead &#8230; I killed him.<\/li>\n<li>Hollow chocolate has no calories.<\/li>\n<li>Human beings don&#8217;t live like this.<\/li>\n<li>I am not a trained killer &#8230; I lead trained killers.<\/li>\n<li>I am not conceited &#8230; I just can&#8217;t stand mortals.<\/li>\n<li>I am the mother of all things, and all things must wear a sweater.<\/li>\n<li>I can&#8217;t be late &#8230; I just got here.<\/li>\n<li>I don&#8217;t have to take this abuse from you &#8230; I&#8217;ve got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.<\/li>\n<li>I don&#8217;t have ulcers &#8230; I give them.<\/li>\n<li>I don&#8217;t like violence, but I&#8217;m very good at it.<\/li>\n<li>I don&#8217;t suffer from insanity &#8230; I revel in it.<\/li>\n<li>I have a mind like a steel seive.<\/li>\n<li>I have not lost my mind &#8230; it&#8217;s backed up on disk somewhere.<\/li>\n<li>I know it all.  I just can&#8217;t remember it all at once.<\/li>\n<li>I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.<\/li>\n<li>I never spit in your drink, why do you smoke in my air?<\/li>\n<li>I used to be amused &#8230; now I&#8217;m just bored.<\/li>\n<li>I used to be disgusted &#8230; now I&#8217;m just amused.<\/li>\n<li>I used to be sane, but I got better.<\/li>\n<li>I used to get high on life, but I&#8217;ve built up a tolerance.<\/li>\n<li>I warn you not to underestimate my powers.<\/li>\n<li>If all else fails &#8230; lower your standards.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed &#8230; change the rules.<\/li>\n<li>If God hadn&#8217;t wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn&#8217;t have given me such a vivid imagination.<\/li>\n<li>If guns are outlawed, how shall we shoot the liberals?<\/li>\n<li>If it has syntax, it isn&#8217;t user friendly.<\/li>\n<li>If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.<\/li>\n<li>If there is anything in this universe more important than my ego, I want it taken out and shot right immediately!<\/li>\n<li>If we were meant to fly, we wouldn&#8217;t keep loosing our luggage.<\/li>\n<li>If you can&#8217;t dress weird, why dress at all?<\/li>\n<li>If you can&#8217;t say something nice, say something surrealistic.<\/li>\n<li>If you&#8217;re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.<\/li>\n<li>If you&#8217;re not part of the solution, you&#8217;re part of the precipitate.<\/li>\n<li>If you&#8217;re right 90% of the time, why quibble over the remaining 3%?<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m a citizen of the universe and a gentleman to boot.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m apathetic and I don&#8217;t care.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m feeling argumentative &#8230; please contradict me.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m never late &#8230; nothing starts without me.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m not a mercenary &#8230; killing is more of a hobby with me.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m not breaking the rules &#8230; I&#8217;m just testing their elasticity.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m not irresponsible &#8230; I&#8217;m out of control.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m not loafing &#8230; I work so fast I&#8217;m always finished.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m not tense, just terribly alert.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m not unemployed &#8230; I&#8217;m looking for the perfect job.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m sorry, but a unicorn doesn&#8217;t work like a mule.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m sorry, my karma just ran over your dogma.<\/li>\n<li>Immanuel doesn&#8217;t pun &#8230; he Kant.<\/li>\n<li>Implementing systems is 95% boredom and 5% sheer terror.<\/li>\n<li>In your heart you know it&#8217;s flat.<\/li>\n<li>Incorrigible punster &#8230; Do not incorrige.<\/li>\n<li>Incorrigible Romantic<\/li>\n<li>Indecision is the basis of flexability.<\/li>\n<li>Insanity is hereditary &#8230; you get it from your kids.<\/li>\n<li>It is better to remain silent and thought a fool then to speak up and remove all doubt.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s a small world, but I&#8217;d hate to have to paint it.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s never too late to have a happy childhood.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s not a bug &#8230; It&#8217;s an undocumented feature.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s not a dungeon &#8230; It&#8217;s a fortified underground defense installation.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s not whether you win or lose &#8230; it&#8217;s how you place the blame.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s not my fault.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s not the principle of the thing &#8230; it&#8217;s the money.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s you and me against the world &#8230; when do we attack?<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;ve been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;ve enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s been lovely, but I have to scream now.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;ve had fun before &#8230; this isn&#8217;t it.<\/li>\n<li>Just because you&#8217;re paranoid, it doesn&#8217;t mean they&#8217;re not out to get you.<\/li>\n<li>Kamikaze chemist<\/li>\n<li>Keeping freedom safe from democracy.<\/li>\n<li>Kiss me.  I&#8217;m not Irish, but don&#8217;t let that stop you.<\/li>\n<li>Knowing Murphy&#8217;s Law won&#8217;t help either.<\/li>\n<li>Ladies&#8217; Sewing Circle and Terrorist Society<\/li>\n<li>League of Bloodthirsty Women<\/li>\n<li>Lefties are better lovers.<\/li>\n<li>Let me control a planet&#8217;s oxygen supply, and I don&#8217;t care who makes the laws.<\/li>\n<li>Lethargy in Motion<\/li>\n<li>Let&#8217;s split up &#8230; we can do more damage that way.<\/li>\n<li>Life isn&#8217;t always fair, but it shouldn&#8217;t cheat that much.<\/li>\n<li>The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.<\/li>\n<li>Live now &#8230; procrastinate tomorrow!<\/li>\n<li>The meek will inherit the earth &#8230; the rest of us will go to the stars.<\/li>\n<li>Mercifully Free of the Ravages of Intelligence<\/li>\n<li>A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.<\/li>\n<li>Mobile non-smoking area.<\/li>\n<li>Mostly harmless.<\/li>\n<li>Murphy was an optimist!<\/li>\n<li>Murphy&#8217;s Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.<\/li>\n<li>My back is computerized &#8230; it has a floppy disk.<\/li>\n<li>My life may be strange, but at least it&#8217;s not boring.<\/li>\n<li>My mind is made up &#8230; don&#8217;t confuse me with the facts.<\/li>\n<li>Nasty, Brutish and Short<\/li>\n<li>Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.<\/li>\n<li>Never confuse endurance with hospitality.<\/li>\n<li>Never let your schooling interfere with your education.<\/li>\n<li>Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful.<\/li>\n<li>Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.<\/li>\n<li>Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.<\/li>\n<li>Never tell me the odds &#8230; numbers confuse me.<\/li>\n<li>Never try to teach a pig to sing &#8230; It only wastes your time and annoys the pig.<\/li>\n<li>No one ever built a statue to a critic.<\/li>\n<li>Not Quite Human Any Longer<\/li>\n<li>Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.<\/li>\n<li>Now is not a good time to annoy me.<\/li>\n<li>Nuke the Smurfs<\/li>\n<li>Nuke the Whales<\/li>\n<li>Nuke &#8217;em from orbit &#8230; it&#8217;s the only way to be sure.<\/li>\n<li>Nuke &#8217;em till they glow, then shoot &#8217;em in the dark.<\/li>\n<li>Oh, no &#8230; not another learning experience.<\/li>\n<li>One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria.<\/li>\n<li>186,000 miles per second &#8230; It&#8217;s not just a good idea &#8230; it&#8217;s the law.<\/li>\n<li>One Step Beyond The Night Gallery into The Outer Limits of The Twilight Zone.<\/li>\n<li>Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies two to one.<\/li>\n<li>Peace through superior firepower.<\/li>\n<li>Peace through superior swordplay.<\/li>\n<li>Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity.<\/li>\n<li>Please do not look into laser with remaining eyeball.<\/li>\n<li>Poets make better lays.<\/li>\n<li>Possessor of a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.<\/li>\n<li>Pound for pound, the ameoba is the most vicious animal on earth.<\/li>\n<li>Prepare for the future &#8230; Read Science Fiction.<\/li>\n<li>Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.<\/li>\n<li>Rampaging Anarchist Horde and Floating Beer Party<\/li>\n<li>Real Daleks don&#8217;t climb stairs &#8230; they level the building.<\/li>\n<li>Real men write self-modifying code.<\/li>\n<li>Real programmers don&#8217;t document &#8230; If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.<\/li>\n<li>Reality is a crutch for people who cannot deal with Science Fiction.<\/li>\n<li>Remember &#8230; there&#8217;s more to life then Science Fiction, but not much.<\/li>\n<li>Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow!<\/li>\n<li>Scottish country dancers are reel people.<\/li>\n<li>League of Pushy Women.  Self-Appointed Chapter Head.<\/li>\n<li>Serenity through viciousness.<\/li>\n<li>Shift to the left!  Shift to the right!  Pop up! Push down!  Byte! Byte!  Byte!<\/li>\n<li>The shortest distance between two points has a bridge out.<\/li>\n<li>The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.<\/li>\n<li>Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw<\/li>\n<li>Science is true &#8230; don&#8217;t be misled by facts.<\/li>\n<li>Smurf Exterminator<\/li>\n<li>So many books, so little time.<\/li>\n<li>Spending A Year Ahead For Tax Purposes<\/li>\n<li>Squint when you approach me, lest you be blinded by my beauty.<\/li>\n<li>Success is acheiving the top of the food chain.<\/li>\n<li>Suffering the Inhumanity of Regular Employment<\/li>\n<li>Support Free Trade &#8230; Smuggle!<\/li>\n<li>Support your local thieve&#8217;s guild &#8230; Leave your doors unlocked.<\/li>\n<li>Take me drunk &#8230; I&#8217;m home again.<\/li>\n<li>Teacher From The Black Lagoon<\/li>\n<li>Terminator &#8230; the few, the proud, the machines.<\/li>\n<li>Thank you for not breathing while I smoke.<\/li>\n<li>The less you bother me, the sooner we&#8217;ll get results.<\/li>\n<li>There are very few personal problems that can&#8217;t be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.<\/li>\n<li>There are many intelligent species in the universe &#8230; they are all owned by cats.<\/li>\n<li>There are only 2,000 real people in the world; the rest are bad special effects.<\/li>\n<li>There&#8217;s never time to do it right &#8230; there&#8217;s always time to do it over.<\/li>\n<li>There&#8217;s no need to do housework.  After four years the dirt doesn&#8217;t get any worse.<\/li>\n<li>They&#8217;ll take my sword away when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the hilt.<\/li>\n<li>Think &#8220;HONK&#8221; if you&#8217;re a telepath.<\/li>\n<li>This is no ordinary fool you&#8217;re dealing with.<\/li>\n<li>Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music.<\/li>\n<li>Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.<\/li>\n<li>To iterate is human, to recurse divine.<\/li>\n<li>Today is the first day of the rest of your sentence.<\/li>\n<li>UFO&#8217;s are real &#8230; the Air Force is swamp gas!<\/li>\n<li>Unicorns aren&#8217;t mythical &#8230; virgins are!<\/li>\n<li>The universe does not have laws &#8230; it has habits and habits can be broken.<\/li>\n<li>Until you walk a mile in someone&#8217;s moccasins, you cannot imagine the smell.<\/li>\n<li>Uppity Women Unite!<\/li>\n<li>User Hostile<\/li>\n<li>User Surly<\/li>\n<li>A VAX is virtually a computer, but not quite.<\/li>\n<li>Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force  1990-1951<\/li>\n<li>Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.<\/li>\n<li>Warning:  This person reads fantasy and is an avid denier of reality.<\/li>\n<li>The way to a man&#8217;s heart is with a broadsword.<\/li>\n<li>We both have the same problem &#8230; you!<\/li>\n<li>Weirdness magnet<\/li>\n<li>What does a sacred chao say?  MU!<\/li>\n<li>What&#8217;s the point of being fascinatingly crazy if you don&#8217;t enrich the world with it?<\/li>\n<li>What&#8217;s the good of being grown up if you can&#8217;t be childish?<\/li>\n<li>When you are not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.<\/li>\n<li>Why are elves chaotic?  Brownian motion.<\/li>\n<li>Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?<\/li>\n<li>Why can&#8217;t you be unique and original like everybody else?<\/li>\n<li>Windows, and Icons, and Mice!  Oh, my!<\/li>\n<li>Woad Warrior<\/li>\n<li>Worst-dressed sentient being in the universe.<\/li>\n<li>Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?<\/li>\n<li>Writing is easy.  All you do is stare at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.<\/li>\n<li>You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you&#8217;ve got something.<\/li>\n<li>You know, just once I&#8217;d like to meet an alien menace that wasn&#8217;t immune to bullets.<\/li>\n<li>Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.<\/li>\n<li>Your silliness has been noted.<\/li>\n<li>Your not the only one who thinks I don&#8217;t know what I&#8217;m doing.<\/li>\n<li>YUMMIE  Young Upwardly Mobile Mutant<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Great for those Email Signatures A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind. All power corrupts, but we need electricity. All roads lead to Amber. All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. All the world&#8217;s an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts. All things considered, insanity [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[69],"tags":[1222],"class_list":["post-3307","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-word-play","tag-quips"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3307","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3307"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3307\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3307"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3307"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3307"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}