{"id":3284,"date":"2015-01-21T00:27:00","date_gmt":"2015-01-20T22:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3284"},"modified":"2015-01-21T00:27:00","modified_gmt":"2015-01-20T22:27:00","slug":"if","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3284","title":{"rendered":"If&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>If a listener nods his head when you&#8217;re explaining your program, wake him up.<\/li>\n<li>If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.  &#8211; Henry David Thoreau<\/li>\n<li>If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.<\/li>\n<li>If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.<\/li>\n<li>If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.<\/li>\n<li>If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.<\/li>\n<li>If an item is advertised as &quot;under $50&quot;, you can bet it&#8217;s not $19.95.<\/li>\n<li>If anything can go wrong, it will.<\/li>\n<li>If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, blame it on your supervisor.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, cheat!<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, give up.  No use being a damn fool.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, redefine success.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, transform your dataset.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, try something else.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, well&#8230;darn.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, you probably didn&#8217;t really care anyway.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, you&#8217;ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn&#8217;t succeed either.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, you&#8217;re doing about average.<\/li>\n<li>If at first you don&#8217;t succeed, your successor will.<\/li>\n<li>If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.<\/li>\n<li>If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.<\/li>\n<li>If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.<\/li>\n<li>If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what is going on.<\/li>\n<li>If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.<\/li>\n<li>If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.<\/li>\n<li>If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.<\/li>\n<li>If I want your opinion, I&#8217;ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.<\/li>\n<li>If ignorance is bliss, why aren&#8217;t there more happy people?<\/li>\n<li>If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.<\/li>\n<li>If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.<\/li>\n<li>If it doesn&#8217;t make sense, it&#8217;s either economics or psychology.<\/li>\n<li>If it doesn&#8217;t work, expand it.<\/li>\n<li>If it happens, it must be possible.<\/li>\n<li>If it is good, they will stop making it.<\/li>\n<li>If it is incomprehensible, it&#8217;s mathematics.<\/li>\n<li>If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.<\/li>\n<li>If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.<\/li>\n<li>If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.<\/li>\n<li>If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.<\/li>\n<li>If it says &quot;one size fits all,&quot; it doesn&#8217;t fit anyone.<\/li>\n<li>If it weren&#8217;t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.<\/li>\n<li>If it works, don&#8217;t fix it!<\/li>\n<li>If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.<\/li>\n<li>If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.<\/li>\n<li>If Murphy&#8217;s Law can go wrong, it will.<\/li>\n<li>If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.<\/li>\n<li>If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.<\/li>\n<li>If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.<\/li>\n<li>If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.<\/li>\n<li>If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.<\/li>\n<li>If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.<\/li>\n<li>If some people didn&#8217;t tell you, you&#8217;d never know they&#8217;d been away on vacation.<\/li>\n<li>If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.<\/li>\n<li>If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.<\/li>\n<li>If &#8216;success&#8217; consisted simply of not taking chances, then &#8216;glory&#8217; would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.<\/li>\n<li>If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.<\/li>\n<li>If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.<\/li>\n<li>If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.<\/li>\n<li>If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.<\/li>\n<li>If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.<\/li>\n<li>If there isn&#8217;t a law, there will be.<\/li>\n<li>If there is light at the end of the tunnel&#8230;order more tunnel.<\/li>\n<li>If things were left to chance, they would be better.<\/li>\n<li>If two wrongs don&#8217;t make a right, try three.<\/li>\n<li>If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!<\/li>\n<li>If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.<\/li>\n<li>If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.<\/li>\n<li>If you are asked to join a parade, don&#8217;t march behind the elephants.<\/li>\n<li>If you are coasting, you&#8217;re going downhill.<\/li>\n<li>If you are feeling good, don&#8217;t worry.  You&#8217;ll get over it.<\/li>\n<li>If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.<\/li>\n<li>If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.<\/li>\n<li>If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.<\/li>\n<li>If you are worried about being crazy, don&#8217;t be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.<\/li>\n<li>If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.<\/li>\n<li>If you cannot convince them, confuse them.  &#8211; Harry S. Truman<\/li>\n<li>If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.<\/li>\n<li>If you cannot fix it, feature it.<\/li>\n<li>If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!<\/li>\n<li>If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.<\/li>\n<li>If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.<\/li>\n<li>If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.<\/li>\n<li>If you did what you always did, you&#8217;ll get what you always got.<\/li>\n<li>If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.<\/li>\n<li>If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.<\/li>\n<li>If you do not care where you are, then you aren&#8217;t lost.<\/li>\n<li>If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.<\/li>\n<li>If you do not know what you&#8217;re doing, do it neatly.<\/li>\n<li>If you do not like the answer, you shouldn&#8217;t have asked the question.<\/li>\n<li>If you do not make dust, you eat dust.<\/li>\n<li>If you do not say it, they can&#8217;t repeat it.<\/li>\n<li>If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.<\/li>\n<li>If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.<\/li>\n<li>If you file it, you&#8217;ll know where it is but never need it.  If you don&#8217;t file it, you&#8217;ll need it but never know where it is.<\/li>\n<li>If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.<\/li>\n<li>If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.<\/li>\n<li>If you have nothing to do, don&#8217;t do it here.<\/li>\n<li>If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.<\/li>\n<li>If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.<\/li>\n<li>If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.<\/li>\n<li>If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.<\/li>\n<li>If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.<\/li>\n<li>If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.<\/li>\n<li>If you make people think they&#8217;re thinking, they&#8217;ll love you; but if you really make them think they&#8217;ll hate you.<\/li>\n<li>If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.<\/li>\n<li>If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.<\/li>\n<li>If you put it off long enough, it might go away.<\/li>\n<li>If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.<\/li>\n<li>If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.<\/li>\n<li>If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.<\/li>\n<li>If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.<\/li>\n<li>If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you&#8217;re in trouble.<\/li>\n<li>If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we&#8217;ve solved it.<\/li>\n<li>If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.<\/li>\n<li>If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.<\/li>\n<li>If you understand it, it is obsolete.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If a listener nods his head when you&#8217;re explaining your program, wake him up. If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. &#8211; Henry David Thoreau If a program is useful it will be changed, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[62],"tags":[1466],"class_list":["post-3284","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-thoughts","tag-truths"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3284","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3284"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3284\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3284"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3284"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3284"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}