{"id":3260,"date":"2015-01-21T00:17:55","date_gmt":"2015-01-20T22:17:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3260"},"modified":"2015-01-21T00:17:55","modified_gmt":"2015-01-20T22:17:55","slug":"bumper-snickers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3260","title":{"rendered":"Bumper Snickers"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.<\/li>\n<li>A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.<\/li>\n<li>According to my calculations, the problem doesn&#8217;t exist.<\/li>\n<li>All generalizations are false.<\/li>\n<li>All men are idiots, and I married their King.<\/li>\n<li>Always remember you&#8217;re unique, just like everyone else.<\/li>\n<li>Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder&#8230;<\/li>\n<li>Born free&#8230;Taxed to death.<\/li>\n<li>Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.<\/li>\n<li>Cover me. I&#8217;m changing lanes.<\/li>\n<li>Driver carries no cash.  He&#8217;s married<\/li>\n<li>Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.<\/li>\n<li>Ever stop to think and forget to start again? <\/li>\n<li>Experience is something you don&#8217;t get until just after you need  it.<\/li>\n<li>Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.<\/li>\n<li>For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.<\/li>\n<li>Forget about World Peace&#8230;Visualize using your turn signal.<\/li>\n<li>Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.<\/li>\n<li>Give me ambiguity or give me something else.<\/li>\n<li>Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.<\/li>\n<li>He who hesitates is probably right.<\/li>\n<li>He who laughs last thinks slowest.<\/li>\n<li>Hit me, I need the money!<\/li>\n<li>Horn broken. Watch for finger.<\/li>\n<li>How can I miss you if you won&#8217;t go away?<\/li>\n<li>HUG A LOGGER&#8211;you&#8217;ll never go back to trees<\/li>\n<li>I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.<\/li>\n<li>I brake for no apparent reason.<\/li>\n<li>I didn&#8217;t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.<\/li>\n<li>I don&#8217;t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.<\/li>\n<li>I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.<\/li>\n<li>I intend to live forever &#8211; so far, so good.<\/li>\n<li>I love cats&#8230;they taste just like chicken..<\/li>\n<li>i souport publik edekashun.<\/li>\n<li>I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.<\/li>\n<li>If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?<\/li>\n<li>If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?<\/li>\n<li>If you don&#8217;t like the news, go out and make some.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m happily married &#8211; but my wife isn&#8217;t.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?<\/li>\n<li>It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.<\/li>\n<li>It wasn&#8217;t actually a divorce &#8211; I was traded.<\/li>\n<li>Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.<\/li>\n<li>Learn from your parents&#8217; mistakes &#8211; use birth control.<\/li>\n<li>Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.<\/li>\n<li>Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.<\/li>\n<li>Montana &#8212; At least our cows are sane!<\/li>\n<li>Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.<\/li>\n<li>Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.<\/li>\n<li>Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.<\/li>\n<li>Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.<\/li>\n<li>Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.<\/li>\n<li>Reality is a crutch for people who can&#8217;t handle drugs.<\/li>\n<li>Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?<\/li>\n<li>Real women don&#8217;t have hot flashes, they have power surges.<\/li>\n<li>Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.<\/li>\n<li>Support bacteria &#8211; they&#8217;re the only culture some people have.<\/li>\n<li>SUPPORT BINGO&#8211;keep Grandma off the streets<\/li>\n<li>Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.<\/li>\n<li>Tell me to &#8216;stuff it&#8217; &#8211; I&#8217;m a taxidermist.<\/li>\n<li>The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.<\/li>\n<li>The gene pool could use a little chlorine.<\/li>\n<li>The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.<\/li>\n<li>The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.<\/li>\n<li>The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.<\/li>\n<li>The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.<\/li>\n<li>Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.<\/li>\n<li>Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.<\/li>\n<li>Two wrongs are only the beginning.<\/li>\n<li>We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.<\/li>\n<li>When everything&#8217;s coming your way, you&#8217;re in the wrong lane.<\/li>\n<li>Where there&#8217;s a will, I want to be in it.<\/li>\n<li>Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.<\/li>\n<li>Work is for people who don&#8217;t know how to fish.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. According to my calculations, the problem doesn&#8217;t exist. All generalizations are false. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Always remember you&#8217;re unique, just like everyone else. Beauty is in the eye [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,69],"tags":[291],"class_list":["post-3260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-car","category-word-play","tag-bumper-stickers"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3260","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3260"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3260\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3260"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3260"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3260"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}