{"id":3172,"date":"2015-01-18T17:52:05","date_gmt":"2015-01-18T15:52:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=3172"},"modified":"2015-01-18T17:52:05","modified_gmt":"2015-01-18T15:52:05","slug":"the-difference-in-football-between-the-north-and-south","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=3172","title":{"rendered":"The Difference In Football Between the North and South"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>WOMEN&#8217;S ATTIRE\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that&#8217;s what dates are for.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>STADIUM SIZE\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>FATHERS\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>ATTIRE\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Male &#8211; press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female &#8211; ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>ALUMNI\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don&#8217;t leave for the NFL their senior year.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>CAMPUS DECOR\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Statues of founding fathers.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>HOMECOMING QUEEN\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Also a Physics Major<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Also Miss USA.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>HEROES\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Mario Cuomo<\/li>\n<li>Down South: &#8220;Bear&#8221; Bryant<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>GETTING TICKETS\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.<\/li>\n<li>Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don&#8217;t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>PARKING\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: RV&#8217;s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>GAME DAY\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day &#8220;live&#8221; to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>TAILGATING\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>GETTING TO THE STADIUM\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: You ask &#8220;Where&#8217;s the stadium?&#8221; When you find it, you walk right in with no line.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: When your near it, you&#8217;ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state&#8217;s third largest city.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>CONCESSIONS\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team&#8217;s mascot &#8212; filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Stands are less than half full.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Nothing Changes!<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>COMMENTARY (MALE)\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: &#8220;Nice Play.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Down South: &#8220;Dammit you slow sumbitch &#8211; tackle him and break his legs!!!&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>COMMENTARY (FEMALE)\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: &#8220;My, this is a violent sport.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Down South: &#8220;Dammit you slow sumbitch &#8211; tackle him and break his legs!!!&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>ANNOUNCERS\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: Paid.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>AFTER THE GAME\n<ul>\n<li>Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.<\/li>\n<li>Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week&#8217;s game.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>WOMEN&#8217;S ATTIRE Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that&#8217;s what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000. Down South: High School [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[51,56],"tags":[661],"class_list":["post-3172","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-regional","category-sports","tag-football"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3172","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3172"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3172\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3172"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3172"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3172"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}