{"id":304,"date":"2014-12-21T21:24:26","date_gmt":"2014-12-21T19:24:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=304"},"modified":"2014-12-21T21:24:26","modified_gmt":"2014-12-21T19:24:26","slug":"you-know-you-need-a-new-housekeeper-when","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=304","title":{"rendered":"You Know You Need a New Housekeeper When&#8230;."},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<p><li>The good news:  Her French maid outfit.<br \/>\nThe bad news:  Her beard and mustache.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>Housekeepers.com instructs you to attach vacuum cleaner and mop to your computer&#8217;s USB port.<\/li>\n<li>Keeps looking nervously at the TV and asking if you&#8217;re planning to watch America&#8217;s Most Wanted.<\/li>\n<li>Shows up wearing nothing but a strategically-placed feather duster.<\/li>\n<li>First question: &#8220;Do you fold your towels before you put them away?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well, Mr. Kaelin, your credentials check out perfectly. You&#8217;re hired.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>She&#8217;s great with the food budget &#8212; but the hamsters are missing and last night&#8217;s burgers tasted a bit funky.<\/li>\n<li>You find a 4-lb. pork roast under the blanket in the nursery, and the baby wrapped in tinfoil in the freezer.<\/li>\n<li>By the time you figured out that your brand-new deluxe model of the Housekeeping-Butler-Maid-o-matic was a bad idea, your wife has left you for the Business-Sportsman-Pornstar 3000.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, but due to a recent federal ruling, I don&#8217;t do Windows.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>When confronted about nothing being cleaned, insists that &#8220;Scrubbing Bubbles does the work so I don&#8217;t have too.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>She doesn&#8217;t do windows, but she *does* do your 14-year-old son.<\/li>\n<li>When she is done with your 14-year-old-son, she does your 13 year-old daughter.<\/li>\n<li>Well, they don&#8217;t call him &#8220;Mr. French&#8221; because of his accent.<\/li>\n<li>Scoot marks on the rug, and you don&#8217;t even have a dog.<\/li>\n<li>Does windows?  Check. Great with the kids?  Check. Greets your visitors with, &#8220;I KISS YOU!!!!&#8221;?  Uh-oh.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The good news: Her French maid outfit. The bad news: Her beard and mustache. Housekeepers.com instructs you to attach vacuum cleaner and mop to your computer&#8217;s USB port. Keeps looking nervously at the TV and asking if you&#8217;re planning to watch America&#8217;s Most Wanted. Shows up wearing nothing but a strategically-placed feather duster. First question: [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[813,815,924],"class_list":["post-304","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-around-the-house","tag-house","tag-housekeeper","tag-lists"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/304","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=304"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/304\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=304"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=304"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=304"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}