{"id":2983,"date":"2015-01-16T21:55:44","date_gmt":"2015-01-16T19:55:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2983"},"modified":"2015-01-16T21:55:44","modified_gmt":"2015-01-16T19:55:44","slug":"dear-mrs-fenton","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2983","title":{"rendered":"Dear Mrs. Fenton"},"content":{"rendered":"

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered <\/p>\n

banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.<\/p>\n

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.<\/p>\n

Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.<\/p>\n

Mr. Wally Underpants
\nPresident and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department<\/p>\n

\n

MEMO<\/p>\n

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton \u2013 Complaints \u2013 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people\u2019s carts when they weren\u2019t looking.<\/li>\n
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.<\/li>\n
  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.<\/li>\n
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, \u2018Code 3′ in housewares\u2026.. and watched what happened.<\/li>\n
  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M\u2019s on layaway.<\/li>\n
  6. September 14: Moved a \u2018CAUTION \u2013 WET FLOOR\u2019 sign to a carpeted area.<\/li>\n
  7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he\u2019d invite them in if they\u2019ll bring pillows from the bedding department.<\/li>\n
  8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks “Why can\u2019t you people just leave me alone?”<\/li>\n
  9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.<\/li>\n
  10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.<\/li>\n
  11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the \u201cMission Impossible\u201d theme.<\/li>\n
  12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his \u201cMadonna look\u201d using different size funnels.<\/li>\n
  13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled \u201cPICK ME!\u201d \u201cPICK ME!\u201d<\/li>\n
  14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams \u201cNO! NO! It\u2019s those voices again!!!!\u201d<\/li>\n

    (And; last, but not least!)<\/p>\n

  15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, \u201cThere is no toilet paper in here!\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67],"tags":[821],"class_list":["post-2983","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-walmart","tag-husband"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2983","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2983"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2983\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2983"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2983"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2983"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}