{"id":2854,"date":"2015-01-14T19:20:06","date_gmt":"2015-01-14T17:20:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2854"},"modified":"2015-01-14T19:20:06","modified_gmt":"2015-01-14T17:20:06","slug":"how-to-sing-the-blues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2854","title":{"rendered":"How to Sing the Blues"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Most blues begin with &#8220;Woke up this morning.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I got a good woman&#8221; is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as &#8220;I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. &#8220;Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs &#8217;bout 500 pounds.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>The blues are not about limitless choices.<\/li>\n<li>Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin&#8217; plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin&#8217; to die.<\/li>\n<li>Teenagers can&#8217;t sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.<\/li>\n<li>You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.<\/li>\n<li>The following colors do not belong in the blues:\n<ul>\n<li>violet<\/li>\n<li>beige<\/li>\n<li>mauve<\/li>\n<li>taupe<\/li>\n<li>peach<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>You can&#8217;t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.<\/li>\n<li>Good places for the Blues:\n<ul>\n<li>the highway<\/li>\n<li>the jail house<\/li>\n<li>an empty bed<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Bad places for the Blues:\n<ul>\n<li>K mart<\/li>\n<li>Gallery openings<\/li>\n<li>weekends in the Hamptons<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>No one will believe it&#8217;s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.<\/li>\n<li>Do you have the right to sing the blues?<\/LI>\n<ul>Yes, if:<\/p>\n<li>your first name is a southern state&#8211;like Georgia<\/li>\n<li>you&#8217;re blind<\/li>\n<li>you shot a man in Memphis<\/li>\n<li>you can&#8217;t be satisfied.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>No, if:<\/p>\n<li>you were once blind but now can see<\/li>\n<li>you&#8217;re deaf<\/li>\n<li>you have a trust fund<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><\/P><\/p>\n<li>Julio Iglesias, Barbara Streisand, and Michael Bolton can never sing the blues. Ever. Ever.<\/li>\n<li>If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it&#8217;s the blues. Other blues beverages are:\n<ul>\n<li>malt liquor<\/li>\n<li>Irish whiskey<\/li>\n<li>muddy water<\/li>\n<li>one bourbon, one scotch and one beer<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Blues beverages are NOT:\n<ul>\n<li>Any mixed drink<\/li>\n<li>Any kosher Passover wine<\/li>\n<li>Yoo Hoo (all flavors)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it&#8217;s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a lightning strike while on the phone to the Psychic Friends Network.<\/li>\n<li>Some Blues names for Women:\n<ul>\n<li>Sadie<\/li>\n<li>Big Mama<\/li>\n<li>Bessie<\/li>\n<li>Ida Red<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Some Blues Names for Men:\n<ul>\n<li>Joe<\/li>\n<li>Willie<\/li>\n<li>Junior<\/li>\n<li>Lightning<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.<\/li>\n<\/li>\n<li>Other Blues Names: (A Mix and Match Starter Kit)<\/LI>\n<ul>\n<li>Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Crippled, Asthmatic)<\/li>\n<li>First name (see #18 above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)<\/li>\n<li>Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Now you&#8217;re ready to sing the blues!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Most blues begin with &#8220;Woke up this morning.&#8221; &#8220;I got a good woman&#8221; is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as &#8220;I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town.&#8221; Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[43],"tags":[253],"class_list":["post-2854","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-musics","tag-blues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2854","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2854"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2854\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2854"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2854"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2854"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}