{"id":2801,"date":"2015-01-13T21:51:04","date_gmt":"2015-01-13T19:51:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2801"},"modified":"2015-01-13T21:51:04","modified_gmt":"2015-01-13T19:51:04","slug":"diary-of-a-smoker-quitting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2801","title":{"rendered":"Diary of a Smoker Quitting"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Day One: Shit.<\/li>\n<p><li>Day One again only the next day:<br \/>\nHave tried to kill husband twice.<br \/>\nDecide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.<br \/>\nSame for bathroom.<br \/>\nAm suddenly thinking this has upside.<br \/>\nEating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches,<br \/>\nwhich remind me of doobie roaches,<br \/>\nwhich remind me of cigarettes.<br \/>\nWatch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.<br \/>\nEat leftover beans from last night &#8211; that&#8217;ll show him.<br \/>\nWalk by computer and wave occasionally.<br \/>\nCan&#8217;t sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area.<br \/>\nIt&#8217;s about four-o&#8217; clock now;<br \/>\nI could have just one, I could have just one,<br \/>\nI could have just one.<br \/>\nThat&#8217;s Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me;<br \/>\n&#8216;he&#8217; could be a chick, but frankly,<br \/>\nright now, I don&#8217;t frigging care.<br \/>\nDecide to play fantasy game on Playstation.<br \/>\nSpend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day two, morning:<br \/>\nWoke up two hours earlier than usual.<br \/>\nGreat; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.<br \/>\nSeriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall.<br \/>\nWoke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water &#8220;to assist my system flush poison.&#8221;<br \/>\nAm feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.<br \/>\nDecide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 2, afternoon:<br \/>\nSee husband off to airport for business trip.<br \/>\nClean closets. Nothing new in mail.<br \/>\nDid all laundry out of necessity &#8211; body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.<br \/>\nPut in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)<br \/>\nDecide to take walk.<br \/>\nMeet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.<br \/>\nShe is smoking a cigarette.<br \/>\nI tell her no out of spite.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 3, morning:<br \/>\nGo through dead man&#8217;s mail bag;<br \/>\nKeep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.<br \/>\nFeed rest down garbage disposal.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 3, Afternoon:<br \/>\nCall garbage disposal repair.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 4: Receive visitor.<br \/>\nPolice looking for missing mail carrier &#8211; received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.<br \/>\nMake coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit.<br \/>\nArrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.<br \/>\nPolice officer asks if I mind if he smokes.<br \/>\nBurst in to tears.<br \/>\nConfess.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 472:<br \/>\nSentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federal crime.)<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 478:<br \/>\nBeaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade.<br \/>\nAble to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 552:<br \/>\nReceive divorce papers:<br \/>\nhusband marrying tobacco heiress.<br \/>\nCell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.<br \/>\nWants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots.<br \/>\nDecide husband will live as price too steep.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 558:<br \/>\nSecure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.<br \/>\nFeel better.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Day 691:<br \/>\nServed last meal &#8211; minister asks if anything wanted at last moments.<br \/>\nThink back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.<br \/>\nRequest one last smoke.<br \/>\nMinister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in.<br \/>\nSit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh.<br \/>\nFeel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.<br \/>\nWarden enters cell excitedly;<br \/>\nGovernor issues full pardon due to new Federal &#8220;It Takes a Village&#8221; crimes statute:  allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>Day 1: Shit.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Day One: Shit. Day One again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[53],"tags":[507,1073,1329],"class_list":["post-2801","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-say-what","tag-diary","tag-nicotine","tag-smoker"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2801","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2801"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2801\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2801"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2801"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2801"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}