{"id":2799,"date":"2015-01-13T21:49:32","date_gmt":"2015-01-13T19:49:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2799"},"modified":"2015-01-13T21:49:32","modified_gmt":"2015-01-13T19:49:32","slug":"diary-of-a-snow-shoveler","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2799","title":{"rendered":"Diary of a Snow Shoveler"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!<\/li>\n<p><li>December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be<br \/>\na more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I&#8217;ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.<br \/>\nI did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I<br \/>\ngot to shovel again. What a perfect life.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we&#8217;ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we&#8217;ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I&#8217;ll never want to see snow again. I don&#8217;t think that&#8217;s possible. Bob is such a nice man I&#8217;m glad he&#8217;s our neighbor.<\/li>\n<li>December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8&#8243; last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn&#8217;t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I&#8217;ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn&#8217;t huff and puff so.<\/li>\n<li>December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4&#215;4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife&#8217;s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that&#8217;s silly. We aren&#8217;t in Alaska, after all.<\/li>\n<li>December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.<\/li>\n<li>December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won&#8217;t admit it to her.  Lord, I hate it when she&#8217;s right. I can&#8217;t believe I&#8217;m freezing to death in my own living room.<\/li>\n<li>December 20: Electricity&#8217;s back on, but had another 14&#8243; of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they&#8217;re too busy playing hockey. I think they&#8217;re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they&#8217;re out.\n<p>Might have another shipment in March. I think they&#8217;re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he&#8217;s lying.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it&#8217;s so cold it probably won&#8217;t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he&#8217;s too busy. I think the butthole is lying.<\/li>\n<li>December 23: Only 2&#8243; of snow today. And it warmed up to zero degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn&#8217;t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she&#8217;s lying.<\/li>\n<li>December 24: 6&#8243;. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I&#8217;ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I&#8217;ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.<\/li>\n<li>\n<p>December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Lord, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she&#8217;s an idiot. If I have to watch &#8220;It&#8217;s A Wonderful Life&#8221; one more time, I&#8217;m going to kill her.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She&#8217;s really getting on my nerves.<\/li>\n<li>December 27: Temperature dropped to -30&deg; and the pipes froze.<\/li>\n<li>December 28: Warmed up to above -10&deg;. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!<\/li>\n<li>December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That&#8217;s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?<\/li>\n<li>December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9&#8243; predicted.<\/li>\n<li>December 31: Set fire to what&#8217;s left of the house. No more shoveling.<\/li>\n<li>January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,68],"tags":[507,1332],"class_list":["post-2799","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-around-the-house","category-weathers","tag-diary","tag-snow"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2799","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2799"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2799\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2799"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2799"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2799"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}