{"id":2779,"date":"2015-01-12T18:54:51","date_gmt":"2015-01-12T16:54:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2779"},"modified":"2015-01-12T18:54:51","modified_gmt":"2015-01-12T16:54:51","slug":"the-best-of-carnac-the-magnificent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2779","title":{"rendered":"The Best of Carnac the Magnificent"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch &#8211; and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon or YouTube.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>A: Gatorade.<br \/>\nQ: What does an alligator get on welfare?<\/li>\n<p><li>A: Bible belt.<br \/>\nQ: What holds up Oral Roberts&#8217; pants?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Milk and honey.<br \/>\nQ: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.<br \/>\nQ: Name three things you won&#8217;t find in Los Angeles.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.<br \/>\nQ: Describe Sister Mary Kong.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Ben Gay.<br \/>\nQ: Why didn&#8217;t Mrs. Franklin have any kids?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: An unmarried woman.<br \/>\nQ: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Disjoint.<br \/>\nQ: What was dat hippie smoking?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: The Laughing Policeman.<br \/>\nQ: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Dustin Hoffman.<br \/>\nQ: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Until he gets caught.<br \/>\nQ: How long does a United States Congressman serve?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Old wives tale.<br \/>\nQ: What do cannibals find hard to digest?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Rub-a-dub-dub.<br \/>\nQ: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Shareholder.<br \/>\nQ: What did Sonny Bono used to be?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Skalliwags.<br \/>\nQ: What does your skalli do when it&#8217;s happy?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: David Frost.<br \/>\nQ: On a cold morning what forms on your david?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Head and shoulders.<br \/>\nQ: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather&#8217;s car?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Hickory Dickory Dock.<br \/>\nQ: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: &#8220;Rose Bowl.&#8221;<br \/>\nQ: What do you say when it&#8217;s Rose&#8217;s turn at the bowling alley?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: That darn cat.<br \/>\nQ: Who ruined that darn rug?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: High rollers.<br \/>\nQ: Describe a stoned bowling team.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Gunga din.<br \/>\nQ: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: &#8220;Follow the yellow brick road.&#8221;<br \/>\nQ: What are good directions to a urologist&#8217;s office?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: At both ends.<br \/>\nQ: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Igloo.<br \/>\nQ: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.<br \/>\nQ: How does a stupid person spell &#8220;backgammon&#8221;?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Grape Nuts.<br \/>\nQ: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Supervisor.<br \/>\nQ: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Crabgrass.<br \/>\nQ: What do crabs get high on?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Shake-N-Bake.<br \/>\nQ: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Blazing Saddles.<br \/>\nQ: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Flypaper.<br \/>\nQ: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Deep freeze.<br \/>\nQ: Name an Eskimo porno film.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>A: Bedbug.<br \/>\nQ: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch &#8211; and you [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[59],"tags":[399,879],"class_list":["post-2779","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-tv","tag-comic-routine","tag-johnny-carson"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2779","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2779"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2779\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2779"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2779"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2779"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}