{"id":275,"date":"2014-12-21T20:02:49","date_gmt":"2014-12-21T18:02:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=275"},"modified":"2014-12-21T20:02:49","modified_gmt":"2014-12-21T18:02:49","slug":"the-homeowners-guide-to-basic-tools","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=275","title":{"rendered":"The Homeowner&#8217;s Guide to Basic Tools"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<p><li>Hammer<br \/>\nIn ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one&#8217;s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Screwdriver<br \/>\nThe drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Phillips Screwdriver<br \/>\nThe bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Pliers<br \/>\nA device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Multi-Pliers<br \/>\nContain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it&#8217;s leather sheath and worn on a homeowner&#8217;s belt to increase testosterone levels.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Electronic Stud Finder<br \/>\nAn annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Halogen Light<br \/>\nA worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you&#8217;re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Cordless Drill<br \/>\nA device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Cordless or Cellular Telephone<br \/>\nThe handyman&#8217;s 911.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Air Compressor<br \/>\nA mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law&#8217;s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Chainsaw<br \/>\nAllows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Vise Grips<br \/>\nA pair of helping hands that doesn&#8217;t critique the job you&#8217;re doing or offer advice.\n<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Hammer In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one&#8217;s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[796,813,1443],"class_list":["post-275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-around-the-house","tag-home","tag-house","tag-tools"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/275","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=275"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/275\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=275"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=275"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=275"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}