{"id":2746,"date":"2015-01-12T18:20:16","date_gmt":"2015-01-12T16:20:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2746"},"modified":"2015-01-12T18:20:16","modified_gmt":"2015-01-12T16:20:16","slug":"answering-machine-messages","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2746","title":{"rendered":"Answering Machine Messages"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>&#8220;I can&#8217;t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don&#8217;t remember. I&#8217;d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, &#8220;We aren&#8217;t in, leave a message.&#8221; That&#8217;s why I&#8217;ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me&#8230;&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Hello, this is Douglas. I&#8217;m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil.&#8221; (background noise &#8211;open a drawer and shuffle stuff around) &#8220;Okay, what would you like me to tell me?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Hello. I&#8217;m Douglas&#8217;s answering machine. What are you?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.  Press Record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it&#8217;s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does&#8230;&#8230;&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Douglas&#8217;s house, the final frontier. These are the messages of Douglas&#8217;s answering machine. Its five-year mission: to seek out your name and your telephone number. To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>(Noisy pick-up of phone) &#8220;Hi, I&#8217;m a burglar and I was just about to steal Douglas&#8217;s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I&#8217;ll&#8230;.uh&#8230;..I&#8217;ll post it on the fridge where he&#8217;ll see it. By the way, do you know where he keeps the silver?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The number you&#8217;ve dialed is purely imaginary. Please multiply by one and dial again.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>(Sound of loud music in background) &#8220;Hello? Just a second while I turn off the stereo.&#8221; (Sound of person running &#8212; music gets quiet &#8212; sound of person running back to phone) &#8220;Okay, sorry about that. Hi there, who&#8217;s this&#8230;.Well hi!&#8230;.Uh huh&#8230;.yeah&#8230;well listen, you&#8217;re talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I&#8217;ll call you back.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Hi, Douglas&#8217;s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I&#8217;ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets on my face here.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Prepare for testing of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5&#8230;4&#8230;3&#8230;2&#8230;1&#8230;.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Said in a soft FM-style voice, &#8220;Next on Public Radio, we&#8217;ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72.&#8221;<\/li>\n<p><li>voice 1: &#8220;Answer the phone, please, Hal.&#8221;<br \/>\nvoice 2: &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, Dave, I can&#8217;t do that.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>&#8220;C&#8217;mon&#8230;.you can do it&#8230;.just a little one. That&#8217;s the way&#8230;. just a little beep, just a little one. C&#8217;mon&#8230;.good boy&#8230;.here we go&#8230;.like this &#8212; beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeep, c&#8217;mon&#8230;.You can do it!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;This is not an answering machine &#8212; this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I&#8217;ll think about returning your call.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;I can&#8217;t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don&#8217;t remember. I&#8217;d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.&#8221; &#8220;Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[141,742],"class_list":["post-2746","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answering-machines","tag-answering-machine","tag-greetings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2746","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2746"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2746\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2746"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2746"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2746"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}