{"id":232,"date":"2014-12-21T18:27:15","date_gmt":"2014-12-21T16:27:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=232"},"modified":"2014-12-21T18:27:15","modified_gmt":"2014-12-21T16:27:15","slug":"cyber-breakup-letter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=232","title":{"rendered":"Cyber Breakup Letter"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),<\/p>\n<p>I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:<\/p>\n<p>____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of &#8220;brb gotta pee&#8221; took some of the romance out of it.<\/p>\n<p>____ Your use of the term &#8220;the ol&#8217; cyber ball and chain&#8221; to refer to me has hurt my feelings.<\/p>\n<p>____ I&#8217;ve found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.<\/p>\n<p>____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:<\/p>\n<ul>\n____ You typed: &#8220;I remove my bra&#8221; when you claimed to be a man.<\/p>\n<p>____ You typed: &#8220;I enter you&#8221; when you claimed to be a woman.<\/p>\n<p>____ You typed your own name at the end.<\/p>\n<p>____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<p>____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.<\/p>\n<p>____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.<\/p>\n<p>____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.<\/p>\n<p>____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.<\/p>\n<p>____ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.<\/p>\n<p>____ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you&#8217;re spending on the computer.<\/p>\n<p>____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.<\/p>\n<p>____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.<\/p>\n<p>____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.<\/p>\n<p>____ I am entering the witness protection program.<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Please understand, __ [screen name] and\/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir\/madam __ mom\/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We&#8217;ve simply grown apart.<\/p>\n<p>Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,<\/p>\n<p>____ Sincerely,<\/p>\n<p>____ Gleefully,<\/p>\n<p>____ I have to go before the warden calls &#8220;lights out,&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>____ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,<\/p>\n<p>____ Good riddance,<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p>[Name or alias]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[471,667,1246],"class_list":["post-232","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-apps-and-forms","tag-cybersex","tag-forms","tag-relationship"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/232","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=232"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/232\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=232"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=232"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=232"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}