{"id":225,"date":"2014-12-21T18:19:39","date_gmt":"2014-12-21T16:19:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=225"},"modified":"2014-12-21T18:19:39","modified_gmt":"2014-12-21T16:19:39","slug":"attics","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=225","title":{"rendered":"ATTICS"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,<\/p>\n<p>I regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benefit you to be tested and\/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple &#8220;screw you&#8221; or &#8220;muuuuaaaahhhhh&#8221;. It appears to be predominant in Facebook users but has been detected in the general PC community.<\/p>\n<p>Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!<\/p>\n<p>The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!!!!!<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Keyboard Courage<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>WooHoo<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Holiday Inn-hibition<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>The need to take someone to a private chat.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>PTPUD (Post Traumatic Pop Up Disorder)<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>Heavy reliance on popups.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Horizontal Retinal Scan<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>Inability to read anything that doesn&#8217;t scroll up.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Loss of Fingernails<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>&#8216;Nuff Said.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Bedpan Complex<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>Having a bucket next to the TV for human waste.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Cyber Tourettes Syndrome<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Red Eye<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>Elimination of any whites from the eye.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Virtual Speed<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Sleep Apathy<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>Going without sleep to chat.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Cyber Anorexia<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>Going without food to chat.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>Symbolic Dyslexia<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>The use of initials instead of words ie.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<li>NIC (Nick Identity Crisis)<\/li>\n<ul>\n<li>The adoption of a nick as a second name.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.<\/p>\n<p>THANKS FOR YOUR TIME,<\/p>\n<p>Dr. Ree Pete O&#8217;Fender<br \/>\nInternet Board of Disease Control<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benefit you to be tested and\/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[471,667],"class_list":["post-225","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-apps-and-forms","tag-cybersex","tag-forms"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/225","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=225"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/225\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=225"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=225"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=225"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}