{"id":2213,"date":"2015-01-06T12:01:26","date_gmt":"2015-01-06T10:01:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2213"},"modified":"2015-01-06T12:01:26","modified_gmt":"2015-01-06T10:01:26","slug":"marthas-to-do-list","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2213","title":{"rendered":"Martha&#8217;s To-Do List"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.<\/li>\n<li>Start marketing new &#8220;Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.<\/li>\n<li>Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.<\/li>\n<li>Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.<\/li>\n<li>Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.<\/li>\n<li>Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.<\/li>\n<li>Berate domestic staffers while I still can.<\/li>\n<li>Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.<\/li>\n<li>Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.<\/li>\n<li>Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.<\/li>\n<li>Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.<\/li>\n<li>Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal&#8217;s probably cold in the morning.<\/li>\n<li>Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.<\/li>\n<li>Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.<\/li>\n<li>Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.<\/li>\n<li>Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!<\/li>\n<li>Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.<\/li>\n<li>Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.<\/li>\n<li>Ask Rosie how to say &#8220;I&#8217;m not interested&#8221; in Lesbianese.<\/li>\n<li>Remember&#8230; Outside: &#8220;And that&#8217;s a GOOD thing!&#8221; Inside: &#8220;Shit be da bomb, yo!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.<\/li>\n<li>Roll around in a huge friggin&#8217; pile of money one last time before going off to jail.<\/li>\n<li>Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.<\/li>\n<li>Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. Start marketing new &#8220;Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.&#8221; Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch. Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam. Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict. Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[525,929,1439],"class_list":["post-2213","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-martha","tag-diy","tag-living","tag-to-do-list"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2213","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2213"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2213\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2213"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2213"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2213"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}