{"id":2211,"date":"2015-01-06T11:59:50","date_gmt":"2015-01-06T09:59:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2211"},"modified":"2015-01-06T11:59:50","modified_gmt":"2015-01-06T09:59:50","slug":"signs-you-are-being-stalked-by-martha-stewart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2211","title":{"rendered":"Signs You Are Being Stalked by Martha Stewart"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they&#8217;re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.<\/li>\n<li>That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog&#8217;s water bowl.<\/li>\n<li>On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.<\/li>\n<li>You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.<\/li>\n<li>The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you&#8217;ve left the bathroom.<\/li>\n<li>You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.<\/li>\n<li>No matter &#8220;where&#8221; you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.<\/li>\n<li>Twice this week you&#8217;ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.<\/li>\n<li>Your underwear drawer has been neatly organized by type and color.<\/li>\n<li>You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.<\/li>\n<li>You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they&#8217;re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog&#8217;s water bowl. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[525,929,1357],"class_list":["post-2211","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-martha","tag-diy","tag-living","tag-stalked"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2211","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2211"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2211\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2211"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2211"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2211"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}