{"id":2209,"date":"2015-01-06T11:58:35","date_gmt":"2015-01-06T09:58:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2209"},"modified":"2015-01-06T11:58:35","modified_gmt":"2015-01-06T09:58:35","slug":"marthas-new-years-resolutions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2209","title":{"rendered":"Martha&#8217;s New Years&#8217; Resolutions"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022. <\/li>\n<li>Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl&#8217;s shoe inserts into heat pump. <\/li>\n<li>Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years. <\/li>\n<li>Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.<\/li>\n<li>Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews. <\/li>\n<li>Make personal address books out of old phone books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know. <\/li>\n<li>Review the Christmas &#8217;96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew. <\/li>\n<li>Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.<\/li>\n<li>Gild lilies.<\/li>\n<li>Beat The Donald on the next try. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022. Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl&#8217;s shoe inserts into heat pump. Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years. Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[525,929,1259],"class_list":["post-2209","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-martha","tag-diy","tag-living","tag-resolutions"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2209","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2209"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2209\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2209"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2209"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2209"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}