{"id":2192,"date":"2015-01-06T11:29:12","date_gmt":"2015-01-06T09:29:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2192"},"modified":"2015-01-06T11:29:12","modified_gmt":"2015-01-06T09:29:12","slug":"marthas-december-calendar","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2192","title":{"rendered":"Martha&#8217;s December Calendar"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<p><li>December 1<br \/>\nBlanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.<br \/>\nSpray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 2<br \/>\nHave Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 3<br \/>\nUsing candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 4<br \/>\nRepaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 5<br \/>\nGet new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 6<br \/>\nFax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 7<br \/>\nDebug Windows 8.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 10<br \/>\nAlign carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 11<br \/>\nLay Faberge egg.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 12<br \/>\nTake dog house apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 13<br \/>\nCollect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 14<br \/>\nInstall plumbing in gingerbread house.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 15<br \/>\nReplace air in mini-van tires with Glade &#8220;holiday scents&#8221; in case tires are shot out at mall.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 17<br \/>\nChild proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. <\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 19<br \/>\nAdjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. <\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 20<br \/>\nDip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner&#8217;s sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 21<br \/>\nDrain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 22<br \/>\nFloat votive candles in toilet. <\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 23<br \/>\nSeed clouds for white Christmas. <\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 24<br \/>\nDo my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 25<br \/>\nBear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 26<br \/>\nOrganize spice racks by genus and phyllum.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 27<br \/>\nBuild snowman in exact likeness of God.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>December 31<br \/>\nNew Year&#8217;s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[300,525,929],"class_list":["post-2192","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-martha","tag-calendar","tag-diy","tag-living"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2192","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2192"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2192\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2192"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2192"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2192"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}