{"id":2179,"date":"2015-01-06T00:25:54","date_gmt":"2015-01-05T22:25:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=2179"},"modified":"2015-01-06T00:25:54","modified_gmt":"2015-01-05T22:25:54","slug":"signs-you-need-a-new-lawyer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=2179","title":{"rendered":"Signs You Need a New Lawyer"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.<\/li>\n<li>He tells you that his last good case was a &#8220;Budweiser.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.<\/li>\n<li>He picks the jury by playing &#8220;duck-duck-goose.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>During the trial you catch him playing his Pokeman.<\/li>\n<li>He asks a hostile witness to &#8220;pull my finger.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>A court security guard begins shaving your head.<\/li>\n<li>Every couple of minutes he yells, &#8220;I call  Jack Daniels to the stand!&#8221; and proceeds to drink a shot.<\/li>\n<li>He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.<\/li>\n<li>He places a large &#8220;No Refunds&#8221; sign on the defense table.<\/li>\n<li>He begins closing arguments with, &#8220;As Ally McBeal once said &#8230;&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Jesse Jackson.<\/li>\n<li>Just before trial starts he whispers, &#8220;The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Just before he says &#8220;Your Honor,&#8221; he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.<\/li>\n<li>The sign in front of his law office reads &#8220;Practicing Law Since 11:25 AM.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, &#8220;Whatever.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>He giggles every time he hears the word &#8220;briefs.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>His flat fee is $2,500 for your case, BUT he will give you double your money back if he wins your case.<\/li>\n<li>The name of his law firm is Goldberg, Goldman, Mandlebaum, and Cohen.  His name is Pedro Jesus Sanchez.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you that his last good case was a &#8220;Budweiser.&#8221; When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. He picks the jury by playing &#8220;duck-duck-goose.&#8221; During the trial you catch him playing his Pokeman. He asks a hostile witness to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[163,924],"class_list":["post-2179","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-law","tag-attorney","tag-lists"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2179","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2179"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2179\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2179"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2179"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2179"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}