{"id":1961,"date":"2015-01-04T18:15:43","date_gmt":"2015-01-04T16:15:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=1961"},"modified":"2015-01-04T18:15:43","modified_gmt":"2015-01-04T16:15:43","slug":"short-of-a-full-deck","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1961","title":{"rendered":"Short of a Full Deck"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>&#8220;Body by Fisher &#8212; brains by Mattel.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>$HOME = \/dev\/null.<\/li>\n<li>3K RAM free, no EMS.<\/li>\n<li>A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.<\/li>\n<li>A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.<\/li>\n<li>A 20th century man&#8230; The guy has no future.<\/li>\n<li>A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.<\/li>\n<li>A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.<\/li>\n<li>A brain like a BB in a boxcar\/box of Corn Flakes.<\/li>\n<li>A couple of slates short of a full roof.<\/li>\n<li>A couplet short of a sonnet.<\/li>\n<li>A cup and saucer short of a place setting.<\/li>\n<li>A day late and a dollar short.<\/li>\n<li>A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.<\/li>\n<li>A doughnut short of being a cop.<\/li>\n<li>A few beads short in her rosary.<\/li>\n<li>A few beans short of chili.<\/li>\n<li>A few beers short of a six-pack<\/li>\n<li>A six-pack short of a case.<\/li>\n<li>A few birds shy of a flock.<\/li>\n<li>A few blocks short of a filesystem.<\/li>\n<li>A few bombs\/melons short of a full load.<\/li>\n<li>A few bricks short of a wall\/hod\/load\/pile.<\/li>\n<li>A few chips short of a cookie.<\/li>\n<li>A few clowns short of a circus.<\/li>\n<li>A few clues shy of a solution.<\/li>\n<li>A few cold solder joints.<\/li>\n<li>A few ears short of a bushel.<\/li>\n<li>A few feathers short of a whole duck.<\/li>\n<li>A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.<\/li>\n<li>A few fish short of a string.<\/li>\n<li>A few french fries\/one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.<\/li>\n<li>A few guppies short of an aquarium.<\/li>\n<li>A few inches short of a foot\/yard.<\/li>\n<li>A few kernels short of an ear.<\/li>\n<li>A few kopeks short of a ruble.<\/li>\n<li>A few links shy of a chain.<\/li>\n<li>A few measures short of a staff.<\/li>\n<li>A few open splices.<\/li>\n<li>A few peas short of a pod\/casserole.<\/li>\n<li>A few pickles short of a jar.<\/li>\n<li>A few pies short of a holiday.<\/li>\n<li>A few planes short of an Air Force\/hangar.<\/li>\n<li>A few points short of a polygon.<\/li>\n<li>A few revisions behind.<\/li>\n<li>A few sandwiches\/apples\/ants short of a picnic.<\/li>\n<li>A few screws loose.<\/li>\n<li>A few shrimps short of a barbie.<\/li>\n<li>A few spoons short of a full set.<\/li>\n<li>A few straws shy of a bale.<\/li>\n<li>A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.<\/li>\n<li>A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.<\/li>\n<li>A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.<\/li>\n<li>A few volts below threshold.<\/li>\n<li>A few yards short of the hole.<\/li>\n<li>A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and&#8230;  What was the question?<\/li>\n<li>A gross ignoramus &#8212; 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.<\/li>\n<li>A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he&#8217;d have to give up chewing gum.<\/li>\n<li>A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.<\/li>\n<li>A lap behind the field.<\/li>\n<li>A little light in his loafers.<\/li>\n<li>A looney tune.<\/li>\n<li>A medical mystery.<\/li>\n<li>A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost.  &#8212; Tom Waits<\/li>\n<li>A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.<\/li>\n<li>A mind like wet tennis shoes&#8230;  Makes squishy noises when running.<\/li>\n<li>A modest little person, with much to be modest about.  &#8212; Churchill<\/li>\n<li>A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.<\/li>\n<li>A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.<\/li>\n<li>A notch off the timing mark.<\/li>\n<li>A one-bit brain with a parity error.<\/li>\n<li>A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.<\/li>\n<li>A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.<\/li>\n<li>A prime candidate for natural deselection.<\/li>\n<li>A quart low.<\/li>\n<li>A return with no gosub.<\/li>\n<li>A room temperature IQ.<\/li>\n<li>A semitone flat on the high notes.<\/li>\n<li>A square with only three sides.<\/li>\n<li>A steering wheel\/few bolts short of a Yugo.<\/li>\n<li>A teapot with a cracked lid.<\/li>\n<li>A titanic intellect&#8230;  In a world full of icebergs.<\/li>\n<li>A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.<\/li>\n<li>A VGA card and a Hercules monitor.<\/li>\n<li>A victim of retroactive birth control.<\/li>\n<li>A violin minus the bow.<\/li>\n<li>A walking argument for birth control.<\/li>\n<li>A wind-up clock without a key.<\/li>\n<li>About half smart.<\/li>\n<li>Afraid she&#8217;ll void her warranty if she thinks too much.<\/li>\n<li>Airhead\/bubble-brain.<\/li>\n<li>Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray &#8212; twice.<\/li>\n<li>All booster, no payload.<\/li>\n<li>All crown, no filling.<\/li>\n<li>All foam, no beer.<\/li>\n<li>All hammer, no nail.<\/li>\n<li>All hat and no cattle.<\/li>\n<li>All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.<\/li>\n<li>All his eggs in the same basket.<\/li>\n<li>All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.<\/li>\n<li>All icing, no cake.<\/li>\n<li>All lime and salt, no tequila.<\/li>\n<li>All missile, no warhead.<\/li>\n<li>All of his bytes are odd.<\/li>\n<li>All shot, no powder.<\/li>\n<li>All the lights don&#8217;t shine in her marquee.<\/li>\n<li>All the personality of linoleum flooring\/plasticene\/putty\/  caulking\/saran wrap\/a bowl of oatmeal\/a plastic spoon.<\/li>\n<li>All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.<\/li>\n<li>All wax and no wick.<\/li>\n<li>Alphabetizes junk mail\/T-shirts\/canonical lists.<\/li>\n<li>Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.<\/li>\n<li>Always loses battles of wits because he&#8217;s unarmed.<\/li>\n<li>Always needs to have jokes explained.<\/li>\n<li>Always sharpening his sleeping skills.<\/li>\n<li>An 8080 in a 68000 environment.<\/li>\n<li>An alligator.  (All mouth, no ears.)<\/li>\n<li>An Apple \/\/e on UUCP.<\/li>\n<li>An early example of the Peter Principle.<\/li>\n<li>An ego like a black hole.<\/li>\n<li>An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.<\/li>\n<li>An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.<\/li>\n<li>An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.<\/li>\n<li>An inch short and a stroke early.<\/li>\n<li>An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.<\/li>\n<li>An XT clone in a Pentium zone.<\/li>\n<li>Ano-fossal ambiguity.  (Can&#8217;t tell his ass from a hole in the    ground.)<\/li>\n<li>Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.<\/li>\n<li>Answers the door when the phone rings.<\/li>\n<li>Any slower and he&#8217;d be in reverse.  &#8212; Gignac<\/li>\n<li>As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.<\/li>\n<li>As bent as a corkscrew.<\/li>\n<li>As bright as a nightlight\/small appliance bulb\/tulip bulb.<\/li>\n<li>As focused as a fart.<\/li>\n<li>As happy as if he had brains.<\/li>\n<li>As happy as the village idiot.<\/li>\n<li>As much use as a back pocket in a vest.<\/li>\n<li>As much use as a lead parachute.<\/li>\n<li>As quick as a corpse.<\/li>\n<li>As rare as a nine bob note.<\/li>\n<li>As sharp as a marble\/bowling ball\/beachball\/pin head\/wet sponge\/bowl of Jello\/mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.<\/li>\n<li>As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.  &#8212; Foghorn Leghorn<\/li>\n<li>As smart as a politician\/lawyer is honest.<\/li>\n<li>As smart as bait\/an automatic email responder script.<\/li>\n<li>As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.<\/li>\n<li>As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)<\/li>\n<li>As thick as two short planks\/two half bricks.<\/li>\n<li>As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.<\/li>\n<li>Attic&#8217;s a little dusty.<\/li>\n<li>Back burners not fully operating.<\/li>\n<li>Bad spot on the disk.<\/li>\n<li>Baler done run out of twine.<\/li>\n<li>Bandwidth limited.<\/li>\n<li>Barney&#8217;s his hero.<\/li>\n<li>Bats have flown the belfry, and now he&#8217;s all alone.<\/li>\n<li>Bats in the belfry.<\/li>\n<li>Batteries not included.<\/li>\n<li>Been napping in front of the ion shield again.<\/li>\n<li>Been playing with his wand too much.<\/li>\n<li>Been playing with the pharmacy section again.<\/li>\n<li>Been short on oxygen one time too many.<\/li>\n<li>Been using her head as a mass driver.<\/li>\n<li>Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.<\/li>\n<li>Blew his O-rings.<\/li>\n<li>Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.<\/li>\n<li>Blocked one too many hockey pucks\/soccer balls\/punches with his head.<\/li>\n<li>Blown\/leaking head gasket.<\/li>\n<li>Born a day late and like that ever since.<\/li>\n<li>Born during low tide in the gene pool\/swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.<\/li>\n<li>Born ugly and built to last.<\/li>\n<li>Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.<\/li>\n<li>Brain is running on empty.<\/li>\n<li>Brain like a hard drive with no read\/write head.<\/li>\n<li>Brain permanently in power saving\/8-bit mode.<\/li>\n<li>Brain transplant donor.<\/li>\n<li>Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.<\/li>\n<li>Bright as Alaska in December.<\/li>\n<li>Bright as an acetylene torch &#8212; without an oxygen supply.<\/li>\n<li>Brings binoculars to submarine races.<\/li>\n<li>Broadcasts static.<\/li>\n<li>Bubbles\/leaks in her think tank.<\/li>\n<li>Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.<\/li>\n<li>Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.<\/li>\n<li>Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.<\/li>\n<li>Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.<\/li>\n<li>Cackles a lot, but I ain&#8217;t seen no eggs yet.<\/li>\n<li>Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.<\/li>\n<li>Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.<\/li>\n<li>Calls people to ask them their phone number.<\/li>\n<li>Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.<\/li>\n<li>Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.<\/li>\n<li>Can easily be confused with facts.<\/li>\n<li>Can only remember her old passwords.<\/li>\n<li>Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.<\/li>\n<li>Can&#8217;t count his balls and get the same answer twice.<\/li>\n<li>Can&#8217;t distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.<\/li>\n<li>Can&#8217;t find his ass with two hands and a periscope\/compass\/flashlight\/bloodhound\/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).<\/li>\n<li>Can&#8217;t find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.<\/li>\n<li>Can&#8217;t program his way out of a for-loop.<\/li>\n<li>Car&#8217;s only got three wheels, and one&#8217;s going flat.<\/li>\n<li>Carrier wave unmodulated.<\/li>\n<li>Carries a tire gauge in her purse.<\/li>\n<li>Cart can&#8217;t hold all the groceries.<\/li>\n<li>Cauliflower for brains.<\/li>\n<li>Changes hands and picks up a stroke.<\/li>\n<li>Charming as a carbuncle.<\/li>\n<li>Cheats when filling out opinion polls.<\/li>\n<li>Cheezwiz for brains.<\/li>\n<li>Chimney&#8217;s clogged.<\/li>\n<li>Clock doesn&#8217;t have all its numbers.<\/li>\n<li>Colder than a well-digger&#8217;s ass in the Klondike.<\/li>\n<li>Collects cards for Craig.<\/li>\n<li>Communications with him is limited to ping.<\/li>\n<li>Confused as a baby in a topless bar.<\/li>\n<li>Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.<\/li>\n<li>Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.<\/li>\n<li>Contributes to the population problem.<\/li>\n<li>Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.<\/li>\n<li>Could only be loved\/missed if the minister read someone else&#8217;s eulogy.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue\n<p>mating dance.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t get laid if he crawled up a chicken&#8217;s rear end and waited his turn.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t hit sand if he fell off a camel.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t organize a piss-up in a brewery.  (Common in Australia.)<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t think\/pee his way out of a paper bag.<\/li>\n<li>Couldn&#8217;t write dialog for a porno flick.<\/li>\n<li>CPU is always in powersave mode.<\/li>\n<li>CPU not connected to the bus.<\/li>\n<li>Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter.<\/li>\n<li>Cranio-rectally inverted.<\/li>\n<li>Cunning as a dodo bird.<\/li>\n<li>Cursor&#8217;s flashing but there&#8217;s no response.<\/li>\n<li>Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.<\/li>\n<li>Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.<\/li>\n<li>Deep as her dimples\/reflection in a mirror.<\/li>\n<li>Defective hard drive\/boot sector.<\/li>\n<li>Dense as a London fog.<\/li>\n<li>Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.<\/li>\n<li>Differently clued.  &#8212; Dave Clark<\/li>\n<li>Dock doesn&#8217;t quite reach the water.<\/li>\n<li>Does aerobics&#8230;  in his head.<\/li>\n<li>Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t adjust for leap years.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have a fart&#8217;s prayer in a hurricane.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have a round in every chamber.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have all his cornflakes in one box.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have all his dogs on one leash\/cups in the cupboard\/groceries in the same bag.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have all the dots on his dice\/pens in her plotter.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have both oars in the water &#8212; can&#8217;t even find the damn boat.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have elastic in both of his socks.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have his belt through all the loops.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have sixteen annas to the rupee.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have the brain power to toast a crouton.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have the sense God gave an animal cracker.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t have two neurons to rub together.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t just know nothing; doesn&#8217;t even suspect much.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.  &#8211; Billing<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t know which side the toast is buttered on.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t put the cross-hairs on the target.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t quite sample at the Nyquist rate.<\/li>\n<li>Doesn&#8217;t suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.<\/li>\n<li>Donated her body to scientists&#8230;  Before she was done using it.<\/li>\n<li>Downhill skiing in Iowa.<\/li>\n<li>Driveway doesn&#8217;t quite reach the garage.<\/li>\n<li>Driving at night with the lights off.<\/li>\n<li>Driving with two wheels in the sand.<\/li>\n<li>Dropped his second stage too soon.<\/li>\n<li>Dumb as asphalt\/dirt\/a mud fence\/a stump\/a sack of hammers.<\/li>\n<li>Dumber than a chicken\/box of hair\/rocks.<\/li>\n<li>During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.<\/li>\n<li>Ears are redirected to \/dev\/null.<\/li>\n<li>Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.<\/li>\n<li>Echoes between the ears.<\/li>\n<li>Eight pawns short of a gambit.<\/li>\n<li>Elevator doesn&#8217;t go all the way to the top floor\/penthouse.<\/li>\n<li>Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn&#8217;t open.<\/li>\n<li>Elevator is on the ground floor and he&#8217;s pushing the Down button.<\/li>\n<li>End of season sale at the cerebral department. &#8212; Gareth Blackstock<\/li>\n<li>Enjoys listening to telemarketers.<\/li>\n<li>Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.<\/li>\n<li>Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.<\/li>\n<li>Evidence for the theory of a missing link.<\/li>\n<li>Failed the Turing test.<\/li>\n<li>Fell out of the family tree.<\/li>\n<li>Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.<\/li>\n<li>Fighting the war with a starter pistol\/water pistol\/pop gun\/cap gun.<\/li>\n<li>Finds a flat by swapping tires.<\/li>\n<li>Finds canonical humor collections amusing.<\/li>\n<li>Finds Sesame Street\/knock-knock jokes challenging.<\/li>\n<li>Fired from McDonald&#8217;s for having a short attention span.<\/li>\n<li>Fired her retro-rockets a little late.<\/li>\n<li>Flaky.<\/li>\n<li>Flat out like a lizard drinking.<\/li>\n<li>Flying\/landing on one engine.<\/li>\n<li>Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.<\/li>\n<li>Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.<\/li>\n<li>Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.<\/li>\n<li>Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.<\/li>\n<li>Forgot to pay his brain bill.<\/li>\n<li>Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.<\/li>\n<li>Four bits shy of a full DEC.<\/li>\n<li>Four cents short of a nickel.<\/li>\n<li>Full of wisdumb.<\/li>\n<li>Full throttle, dry tank.<\/li>\n<li>Fur coat and no knickers.<\/li>\n<li>Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.<\/li>\n<li>Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn&#8217;t coming.<\/li>\n<li>Gavel doesn&#8217;t quite hit the bench.<\/li>\n<li>Gears grind\/don&#8217;t always mesh.<\/li>\n<li>Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.<\/li>\n<li>Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.<\/li>\n<li>Gets his orders from another planet.<\/li>\n<li>Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.<\/li>\n<li>Gets parity errors under load.<\/li>\n<li>Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain&#8217;t got no cattle.<\/li>\n<li>Goalie for the dart team.<\/li>\n<li>God might still use him for miracle practice.<\/li>\n<li>God&#8217;s favorite target for lightning strikes.<\/li>\n<li>Goes with the flow&#8230;  He&#8217;s a bed wetter.<\/li>\n<li>Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.<\/li>\n<li>Got a life, but wasn&#8217;t sure what to do with it.<\/li>\n<li>Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.<\/li>\n<li>Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn&#8217;t watching.<\/li>\n<li>Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.<\/li>\n<li>Gyros are loose.<\/li>\n<li>Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.<\/li>\n<li>Had a head crash.<\/li>\n<li>Half a bubble off plumb.  &#8212; attributed to Mark Twain<\/li>\n<li>Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.<\/li>\n<li>Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.<\/li>\n<li>Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.<\/li>\n<li>Has a bus fault problem.<\/li>\n<li>Has a few wait states.<\/li>\n<li>Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.<\/li>\n<li>Has a leak in his ceiling.<\/li>\n<li>Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.<\/li>\n<li>Has a pulse, but that&#8217;s about all.<\/li>\n<li>Has a random memory fault.<\/li>\n<li>Has a slow clock.<\/li>\n<li>Has a sparse matrix.<\/li>\n<li>Has a two-bit operating system.<\/li>\n<li>Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.<\/li>\n<li>Has all the brains God gave a duck&#8217;s ass.<\/li>\n<li>Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.<\/li>\n<li>Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.<\/li>\n<li>Has change for a seven dollar bill.<\/li>\n<li>Has FINO (first in never out) memory.<\/li>\n<li>Has his brain on cruise control again.<\/li>\n<li>Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.<\/li>\n<li>Has it floored in neutral.<\/li>\n<li>Has no discretionary intellect.<\/li>\n<li>Has no upper stage.<\/li>\n<li>Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.<\/li>\n<li>Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.<\/li>\n<li>Has resonance where others have brains.<\/li>\n<li>Has signs on both ears saying &#8220;Space for Rent&#8221;.<\/li>\n<li>Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it&#8217;s like watching tennis.<\/li>\n<li>Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.<\/li>\n<li>Has the brains of a house plant.<\/li>\n<li>Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.<\/li>\n<li>Has the IQ of a salad bar\/an ice cube\/three below houseplant.<\/li>\n<li>Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.<\/li>\n<li>Has the mental agility of a soap dish.<\/li>\n<li>Has the personality of a snail on Valium.<\/li>\n<li>Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.<\/li>\n<li>Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.<\/li>\n<li>Hasn&#8217;t caught on that X and Y are relative values.<\/li>\n<li>Hasn&#8217;t got all his china in the cupboard.<\/li>\n<li>Hasn&#8217;t got the brains God gave a cat.<\/li>\n<li>Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.<\/li>\n<li>He can only type in upper case.<\/li>\n<li>He can push but he can&#8217;t pop.<\/li>\n<li>He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.<\/li>\n<li>He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.<\/li>\n<li>He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.<\/li>\n<li>He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.<\/li>\n<li>He knows computers&#8230;  He&#8217;s not fit for contact with humans.<\/li>\n<li>He writes blank checks on a closed account.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;d screw up a two-car funeral procession.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s a General Protection Fault trigger.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s a man on a mission, but can&#8217;t find his dossier.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s diagnosable.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s not a complete idiot &#8212; some parts are missing.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s not stupid; he&#8217;s possessed by a retarded ghost.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s really into himself&#8230;  His head is up his ass.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s so dense, light bends around him.<\/li>\n<li>He&#8217;s so dense, the Titanic wouldn&#8217;t sink in his head.<\/li>\n<li>Hears everything that a dog can.<\/li>\n<li>Hears more lyrics on records when they&#8217;re played backwards.<\/li>\n<li>Her access time approaches infinity.<\/li>\n<li>Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.<\/li>\n<li>Her ass is sucking swamp gas.<\/li>\n<li>Her blender doesn&#8217;t go past &#8220;mix&#8221;.<\/li>\n<li>Her brain has a corrupted filesystem\/someone needs to run fdisk on her brain.<\/li>\n<li>Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.<\/li>\n<li>Her cache is incoherent.<\/li>\n<li>Her dentist went deaf from the drill&#8217;s echoes.<\/li>\n<li>Her dialing thumb must be broken.<\/li>\n<li>Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.<\/li>\n<li>Her files are compressed 100%.<\/li>\n<li>Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.<\/li>\n<li>Her input pipe is broken.<\/li>\n<li>Her interrupt handler hit a loop.<\/li>\n<li>Her leads need resoldering.<\/li>\n<li>Her learning curve is fractal.<\/li>\n<li>Her lint trap is full.<\/li>\n<li>Her lists are unlinked.<\/li>\n<li>Her memory is truly random-access.<\/li>\n<li>Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.<\/li>\n<li>Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.<\/li>\n<li>Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.<\/li>\n<li>Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.<\/li>\n<li>Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.<\/li>\n<li>Her modem lights are on but there&#8217;s no carrier.<\/li>\n<li>Her objects are not fully oriented.<\/li>\n<li>Her phone doesn&#8217;t quite reach her desk.<\/li>\n<li>Her pool balls don&#8217;t fit into the rack.<\/li>\n<li>Her random access is the same as her sequential access.<\/li>\n<li>Her sewing machine&#8217;s been out of thread for some time now.<\/li>\n<li>Her ski lift doesn&#8217;t go to the top of the hill.<\/li>\n<li>Her stack has been corrupted.<\/li>\n<li>Her synapses are about |that| far apart.<\/li>\n<li>Her system file has zero bytes.<\/li>\n<li>Her tires are a little low.<\/li>\n<li>Her wipers don&#8217;t touch the glass.<\/li>\n<li>Her word length is zero bits.<\/li>\n<li>Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.<\/li>\n<li>High relative humidity&#8230;  He&#8217;s lost in a fog.<\/li>\n<li>His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it&#8217;s the best part of his postings.<\/li>\n<li>His access light&#8217;s on, but the drive isn&#8217;t spinning\/is still spinning up.<\/li>\n<li>His accumulator overflows at zero.<\/li>\n<li>His actual mileage varies.<\/li>\n<li>His antenna\/radio doesn&#8217;t pick up all the channels\/stations.<\/li>\n<li>His boot block is in a bad sector.<\/li>\n<li>His brackets are mismatched.<\/li>\n<li>His brain could be the perfect dielectric.<\/li>\n<li>His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.<\/li>\n<li>His brain would rattle around in a gnat&#8217;s navel.<\/li>\n<li>His buffer is full.<\/li>\n<li>His clutch is slipping.<\/li>\n<li>His data bus stops for red lights.<\/li>\n<li>His deck has no face cards.<\/li>\n<li>His elevator is stuck between floors.<\/li>\n<li>His face is on a coin&#8230;  On the edge.<\/li>\n<li>His family wasn&#8217;t dysfunctional until he arrived.<\/li>\n<li>His freelist is empty.<\/li>\n<li>His future is behind schedule.  &#8212; Bob Thaves<\/li>\n<li>His gene line isn&#8217;t just dead, it&#8217;s extinct.<\/li>\n<li>His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.  &#8212; Robin Williams<\/li>\n<li>His grey matter is brown\/doesn&#8217;t matter.<\/li>\n<li>His head whistles in a cross wind.<\/li>\n<li>His home planet is flat.<\/li>\n<li>His IQ is a false positive.<\/li>\n<li>His jack can&#8217;t get the car off the ground.<\/li>\n<li>His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.<\/li>\n<li>His mind is great at error magnification.<\/li>\n<li>His mind is less substantial than the Emperor&#8217;s new clothes.<\/li>\n<li>His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.<\/li>\n<li>His mind is write-protected\/write-only.<\/li>\n<li>His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.<\/li>\n<li>His mind wandered and never came back.<\/li>\n<li>His motto is:  Space, the final frontier.<\/li>\n<li>His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.<\/li>\n<li>His outgoing message starts with, &#8220;Hello, Mr. Answering Machine.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>His page was intentionally left blank.<\/li>\n<li>His picture is in the dictionary under &#8220;zero&#8221;.<\/li>\n<li>His pointers are null\/uninitialized.<\/li>\n<li>His puzzle is missing a few pieces.<\/li>\n<li>His reaction time is longer than his attention span.  &#8212; Thaves<\/li>\n<li>His root file system isn&#8217;t mounted.<\/li>\n<li>His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.<\/li>\n<li>His shared libraries aren&#8217;t installed.<\/li>\n<li>His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.<\/li>\n<li>His spark can&#8217;t jump the gap.<\/li>\n<li>His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.<\/li>\n<li>His stack&#8217;s not very deep\/he has an eight-byte stack.<\/li>\n<li>His string&#8217;s aren&#8217;t null-terminated.<\/li>\n<li>His strip is demagnetized.<\/li>\n<li>His system administrator is never in.<\/li>\n<li>His train tracks aren&#8217;t quite parallel.<\/li>\n<li>His URL denies outside access.<\/li>\n<li>His watch dog is sleeping.<\/li>\n<li>His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.<\/li>\n<li>Hitler&#8217;s evil twin.<\/li>\n<li>Hyperspatially interconnected\/permanently disconnected neural net.<\/li>\n<li>Hypnotized as a child and couldn&#8217;t be woken.<\/li>\n<li>I wouldn&#8217;t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.<\/li>\n<li>I&#8217;d like to buy him for what he&#8217;s worth and sell him for what he thinks he&#8217;s worth.<\/li>\n<li>If brains were bird droppings, he&#8217;d have a clean cage.<\/li>\n<li>If brains were dynamite, she wouldn&#8217;t have enough to blow her nose\/her hat off\/the wax out of her ears.<\/li>\n<li>If brains were farts, he couldn&#8217;t stink up the inside of a matchbox.<\/li>\n<li>If brains were gasoline, he wouldn&#8217;t have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.<\/li>\n<li>If brains were grains of sand, he couldn&#8217;t fill a dixie cup.<\/li>\n<li>If brains were lard, he&#8217;d be hard pressed to grease a small pan.<\/li>\n<li>If brains were taxed, he&#8217;d get a rebate.<\/li>\n<li>If brains were water, hers wouldn&#8217;t be enough to baptize a flea.<\/li>\n<li>If God tried to help him, we&#8217;d have an eight day week.<\/li>\n<li>If he donated his brain to science it&#8217;d set civilization back 50 years.<\/li>\n<li>If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.<\/li>\n<li>If he had a lobotomy he&#8217;d depressurize.<\/li>\n<li>If he had another brain, it would be lonely.<\/li>\n<li>If he had brains, he&#8217;d take them out and play with them.<\/li>\n<li>If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.<\/li>\n<li>If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.<\/li>\n<li>If he were any brighter he&#8217;d be in the visible spectrum.<\/li>\n<li>If he were any more stupid, he&#8217;d have to be watered twice a week.<\/li>\n<li>If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.<\/li>\n<li>If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.<\/li>\n<li>If his brains were money, he&#8217;d still be in debt.<\/li>\n<li>If his IQ was two points higher he&#8217;d be a rock.<\/li>\n<li>If ignorance were bliss, she&#8217;d be orgasmic.<\/li>\n<li>If it&#8217;s not in his horoscope\/tea leaves, he doesn&#8217;t take it seriously.<\/li>\n<li>If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.<\/li>\n<li>If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn&#8217;t blow the cobwebs off his balls.<\/li>\n<li>If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.<\/li>\n<li>If she was any dumber, she&#8217;d be a green plant.<\/li>\n<li>If stupidity were a crime, he&#8217;d be number one on the Most Wanted list.<\/li>\n<li>If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he&#8217;d get nuked.<\/li>\n<li>If there were a merciful God he&#8217;d be dead by now.<\/li>\n<li>If they each had half a brain, they&#8217;d still only have half a brain.<\/li>\n<li>If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.<\/li>\n<li>If what you don&#8217;t know can&#8217;t hurt you, she&#8217;s practically invulnerable.<\/li>\n<li>If wit were shit, he&#8217;d be constipated.<\/li>\n<li>If you called him a wit, you&#8217;d be half right.<\/li>\n<li>If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.<\/li>\n<li>If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.<\/li>\n<li>Ignorant, and proud of it.<\/li>\n<li>Immune from any serious head injury.<\/li>\n<li>Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.<\/li>\n<li>In a tub of Preparation H, he&#8217;d shrink down to thumb size.<\/li>\n<li>In his optimum environment, he&#8217;d be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.<\/li>\n<li>In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, &#8220;No, thanks&#8221;.<\/li>\n<li>In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for &#8220;extra thick.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>In need of a ROM upgrade.<\/li>\n<li>In serious need of attitude adjustment.<\/li>\n<li>In the shopping mall of the mind, he&#8217;s in the toy store.<\/li>\n<li>In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.<\/li>\n<li>Includes a &#8220;thank you&#8221; note with her tax returns.<\/li>\n<li>Infinite space between her ears.<\/li>\n<li>Informationally deprived.<\/li>\n<li>Inhabits her own private timezone.<\/li>\n<li>Inspected by #13.<\/li>\n<li>Inspired the slogan, &#8220;A mind is a terrible thing to waste.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Intellectually\/synaptically challenged.<\/li>\n<li>Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.<\/li>\n<li>Invented a submarine with a screen door.<\/li>\n<li>IQ = dx \/ (1 + dx), where x = age.<\/li>\n<li>IQ lower than a snake&#8217;s belly in a wagon-rut.<\/li>\n<li>It&#8217;s hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.<\/li>\n<li>Just another flash in the bedpan.<\/li>\n<li>Keeps his imagination on a long leash.<\/li>\n<li>Knitting with only one needle.<\/li>\n<li>Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.<\/li>\n<li>Landing with his gear\/brain up and locked.<\/li>\n<li>Leaky sunroof.<\/li>\n<li>Left hand threaded.<\/li>\n<li>Left his booster on the launch pad.<\/li>\n<li>Left the store without all of his groceries.<\/li>\n<li>Leveled off before reaching altitude.<\/li>\n<li>Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.<\/li>\n<li>Lightbulb over his head is burned out.<\/li>\n<li>Lights are on but nobody&#8217;s home.<\/li>\n<li>Lights not burning too bright.<\/li>\n<li>Like a barometer &#8212; vacuum at the top.<\/li>\n<li>Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.<\/li>\n<li>Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.<\/li>\n<li>Likes dunking for french fries.<\/li>\n<li>Little red choo-choo&#8217;s gone chugging &#8217;round the bend\/jumped the track.<\/li>\n<li>Lives in La-la-land.<\/li>\n<li>Lives in the same world, but a different universe.<\/li>\n<li>Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.<\/li>\n<li>Long on dry wall, short on studs.<\/li>\n<li>Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.<\/li>\n<li>Looks for the &#8220;Any&#8221; key.<\/li>\n<li>Loose chip on the microprocessor board.<\/li>\n<li>Loose wire to his headset\/ringer.<\/li>\n<li>Low on thinking gas.<\/li>\n<li>Low-bandwidth as an information source.<\/li>\n<li>Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.<\/li>\n<li>Made a career out of mid-life crisis.<\/li>\n<li>Mainspring&#8217;s wound too tight.<\/li>\n<li>Makes a black hole look bright.<\/li>\n<li>Makes predictions that make weathermen\/economists look good.<\/li>\n<li>Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.<\/li>\n<li>Mental software is Version 1.0\/still in beta test.<\/li>\n<li>Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.<\/li>\n<li>Metronome needs oil.<\/li>\n<li>Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.<\/li>\n<li>Mind like a steel sieve.<\/li>\n<li>Mind like a steel trap &#8212; everything gets mangled\/full of mice\/nothing in, nothing out\/rusted shut.<\/li>\n<li>Missing a few buttons on his remote control.<\/li>\n<li>Missing a few catalog cards \/ gears \/ marbles.<\/li>\n<li>Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.<\/li>\n<li>Monorail doesn&#8217;t go all the way to Tomorrowland.<\/li>\n<li>Mooring lines don&#8217;t reach the dock.<\/li>\n<li>More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.<\/li>\n<li>Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.<\/li>\n<li>Moves his lips to pretend he&#8217;s reading.<\/li>\n<li>Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.<\/li>\n<li>Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.<\/li>\n<li>Needs another brain to make half-wit.<\/li>\n<li>Needs both hands to wipe his behind.<\/li>\n<li>Needs front end alignment.<\/li>\n<li>Needs his disk checked\/reformatted.<\/li>\n<li>Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.<\/li>\n<li>Network constantly loses packets.<\/li>\n<li>Neurons are firing non-sequentially.<\/li>\n<li>Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can&#8217;t exist in a vacuum.<\/li>\n<li>Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.  &#8212; Van Jacobson<\/li>\n<li>Nice house but not much furniture \/ nobody lives there.<\/li>\n<li>Nine pence in the shilling.<\/li>\n<li>Nine rooms; no furniture.<\/li>\n<li>Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.<\/li>\n<li>No charge in her synapses.<\/li>\n<li>No coins in the old fountain.<\/li>\n<li>No filter in the coffeemaker.<\/li>\n<li>No grain in the silo.<\/li>\n<li>No hands on the rudder\/yoke.<\/li>\n<li>No hay in the loft.<\/li>\n<li>No one at the throttle.<\/li>\n<li>No wind in her mind&#8217;s windmills.<\/li>\n<li>Not all his dogs are barking.<\/li>\n<li>Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.<\/li>\n<li>Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.<\/li>\n<li>Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.<\/li>\n<li>Not done evolving yet.<\/li>\n<li>Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.<\/li>\n<li>Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.<\/li>\n<li>Not enough change to break a dollar\/pound\/Euro\/yen.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;Body by Fisher &#8212; brains by Mattel.&#8221; $HOME = \/dev\/null. 3K RAM free, no EMS. A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A 20th century man&#8230; The guy has no future. A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards. A black-and-white mind working on [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[924,1374],"class_list":["post-1961","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funlists","tag-lists","tag-stupid"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1961","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1961"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1961\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1961"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1961"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1961"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}