{"id":1842,"date":"2015-01-03T19:43:17","date_gmt":"2015-01-03T17:43:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/?p=1842"},"modified":"2015-01-03T19:43:17","modified_gmt":"2015-01-03T17:43:17","slug":"signs-youre-at-a-bad-figure-skating-competition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1842","title":{"rendered":"Signs You&#8217;re at a Bad Figure Skating Competition"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Would the holder of lucky ticket #2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff.<\/li>\n<li>The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver.<\/li>\n<li>Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater.<\/li>\n<li>Judges not impressed by your &#8220;Oh, Calcutta&#8221; routine, despite the rather obvious effects of the cold air.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran Drescher!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>First time you&#8217;ve seen points awarded for a &#8220;Triple Klutz&#8221; and a &#8220;Triple Putz.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs down Elvis Stojko.<\/li>\n<li>The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out grope-fest.<\/li>\n<li>During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian cross-checks the couples into the boards.<\/li>\n<li>Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the prelims come up.<\/li>\n<li>Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica Lewinsky.<\/li>\n<li>More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds Ice Fishing Tournament.<\/li>\n<li>Brian Boitano&#8217;s new program interprets history of male pattern baldness.<\/li>\n<li>Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads. &#8220;Would the holder of lucky ticket #2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!&#8221; The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff. The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver. Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[56],"tags":[644,829,924,1463],"class_list":["post-1842","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sports","tag-figure-skating","tag-ice-skating","tag-lists","tag-trouble"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1842","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1842"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1842\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1842"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1842"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1842"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}