Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
\nwere Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips
\nFudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
\nin hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
\nWhile Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
\nhad just settled down to sugar-borne naps
\nWhen out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
\nI sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
\nAway to the kitchen I flew like a flash
\ntore open the icebox then threw up the sash
\nThe marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
\nsent thoughts of a binge to my body below
\nWhen what to my wandering eyes should appear:
\na marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
\nThat huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
\nI knew in a second that I’d wind up sick
\nThe sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
\nI closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
\nOn Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
\na Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox
\nFrom the top of the scales to the top of the hall
\nnow dash away pounds now dash away all
\nDressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
\nmy clothes were all bulging from too much excess
\nMy droll little mouth and my round little belly
\nthey shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
\nI spoke not a word but went straight to my work
\nate all of the candy then turned with a jerk
\nAnd laying a finger beside my heartburn
\nI gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
\nI eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
\nif temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by
\nAnd I mumbled again as I turned for the night
\nin the morning I’ll starve…’til I take that first bite!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,64],"tags":[370,509,1172],"class_list":["post-1785","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-diet","category-twas","tag-christmas","tag-diet","tag-poetry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1785","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1785"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1785\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1785"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1785"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1785"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}