{"id":1648,"date":"2015-01-02T10:40:43","date_gmt":"2015-01-02T08:40:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1648"},"modified":"2015-01-02T10:40:43","modified_gmt":"2015-01-02T08:40:43","slug":"beer-troubleshooting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1648","title":{"rendered":"Beer Troubleshooting"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.<br \/>\nFAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.<br \/>\nACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.<\/li>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.<br \/>\nFAULT: Improper bladder control.<br \/>\nACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.<br \/>\nFAULT: Glass empty.<br \/>\nACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.<br \/>\nFAULT: You have fallen over backward.<br \/>\nACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.<br \/>\nFAULT: You have fallen forward.<br \/>\nACTION: See above.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.<br \/>\nFAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.<br \/>\nACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.<br \/>\nFAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.<br \/>\nACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Floor moving.<br \/>\nFAULT: You are being carried out.<br \/>\nACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.<br \/>\nFAULT: Bar has closed.<br \/>\nACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.<br \/>\nFAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.<br \/>\nACTION: Cover mouth.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.<br \/>\nFAULT: You are dancing on the table.<br \/>\nACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.<br \/>\nFAULT: It&#8217;s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.<br \/>\nACTION: Punch him.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.<br \/>\nFAULT: You have been in a fight.<br \/>\nACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Don&#8217;t recognize anyone, don&#8217;t recognize the room you&#8217;re in.<br \/>\nFAULT: You&#8217;ve wandered into the wrong party.<br \/>\nACTION: See if they have free beer.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.<br \/>\nFAULT: The beer is too weak.<br \/>\nACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>SYMPTOM: Don&#8217;t remember the words to the song.<br \/>\nFAULT: Beer is just right.<br \/>\nACTION: Play air guitar. <\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[220,1464],"class_list":["post-1648","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-drinking","tag-beer","tag-troubleshooting"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1648","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1648"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1648\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1648"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1648"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1648"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}