{"id":1575,"date":"2014-12-31T21:27:51","date_gmt":"2014-12-31T19:27:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1575"},"modified":"2014-12-31T21:27:51","modified_gmt":"2014-12-31T19:27:51","slug":"new-years-resolutions-for-dogs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1575","title":{"rendered":"New Year&#8217;s Resolutions for Dogs"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.<\/li>\n<li>Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.<\/li>\n<li>I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.<\/li>\n<li>Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.<\/li>\n<li>Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.<\/li>\n<li>Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.<\/li>\n<li>Always scoot before licking.<\/li>\n<li>Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.<\/li>\n<li>January 1st:  Kill the sock!  Must kill the sock! January 2nd &#8211; December 31st:  Re-live victory over the sock.<\/li>\n<li>I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows. Call PETA and tell them what [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[309,1259],"class_list":["post-1575","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dogs","tag-canine","tag-resolutions"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1575","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1575"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1575\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1575"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1575"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1575"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}