{"id":1566,"date":"2014-12-31T21:07:02","date_gmt":"2014-12-31T19:07:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1566"},"modified":"2014-12-31T21:07:02","modified_gmt":"2014-12-31T19:07:02","slug":"doggie-pledge","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1566","title":{"rendered":"Doggie Pledge"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>I will not eat the cats&#8217; food, before or after they eat it.<\/li>\n<li>I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.<\/li>\n<li>The computer&#8217;s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.<\/li>\n<li>I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.<\/li>\n<li>I will not throw up in the car.<\/li>\n<li>I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.<\/li>\n<li>I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.<\/li>\n<li>I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.<\/li>\n<li>I will not eat other animals&#8217; poop.<\/li>\n<li>I will not lick my human&#8217;s face after eating animal poop.<\/li>\n<li>I will not roll my head around in other animals&#8217; poop.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Kitty box crunchies&#8221; are not food.<\/li>\n<li>I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.<\/li>\n<li>The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.<\/li>\n<li>I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.<\/li>\n<li>I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.<\/li>\n<li>I will not chew my human&#8217;s toothbrush and not tell them.<\/li>\n<li>I will not chew crayons or pens, &#8216;specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.<\/li>\n<li>When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it&#8217;s raining outside.<\/li>\n<li>I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.<\/li>\n<li>We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.<\/li>\n<li>I will not steal my Mom&#8217;s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.<\/li>\n<li>The sofa is not a face towel.<\/li>\n<li>Neither are Mom and Dad&#8217;s laps.<\/li>\n<li>My head does not belong in the refrigerator.<\/li>\n<li>I will not bite the officer&#8217;s hand when he reaches in for Mom&#8217;s driver&#8217;s license and car registration.<\/li>\n<li>I will not play tug-o&#8217;-war with Dad&#8217;s underwear when he&#8217;s on the toilet.<\/li>\n<li>I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I&#8217;m lying under the coffee table.<\/li>\n<li>I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.<\/li>\n<li>The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.<\/li>\n<li>I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I will not eat the cats&#8217; food, before or after they eat it. I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells. The computer&#8217;s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[309,1170],"class_list":["post-1566","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dogs","tag-canine","tag-pledge"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1566","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1566"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1566\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1566"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1566"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1566"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}