{"id":1517,"date":"2014-12-31T19:54:29","date_gmt":"2014-12-31T17:54:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1517"},"modified":"2014-12-31T19:54:29","modified_gmt":"2014-12-31T17:54:29","slug":"moms-dictionary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1517","title":{"rendered":"Mom&#8217;s Dictionary"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Airplane<br \/>\nWhat Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.<\/li>\n<p><li>Alien<br \/>\nWhat Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Apple<br \/>\nNutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Baby<br \/>\nDad, when he gets a cold.<br \/>\nMom&#8217;s youngest child, even if he&#8217;s 42.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Bathroom<br \/>\na room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Because&#8221;<br \/>\nMom&#8217;s reason for having kids do things which can&#8217;t be explained logically.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Bed and Breakfast<br \/>\nTwo things the kids will never make for themselves.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Carpet<br \/>\nExpensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Car Pool<br \/>\nComplicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>China<br \/>\nLegendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Cook<br \/>\nAct of preparing food for consumption.<br \/>\nMom&#8217;s other name.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Couch Potato<br \/>\nWhat Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Date<br \/>\nInfrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Drinking Glass<br \/>\nAny carton or bottle left open in the fridge.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Dust<br \/>\nInsideous interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Dust Rags<br \/>\nSee &#8220;DAD&#8217;S UNDERWEAR.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Ear<br \/>\nA place where kids store dirt.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Eat<br \/>\nWhat kids do between meals, but not at them.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Empty Nest<br \/>\nSee &#8220;Wishful Thinkng.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Energy<br \/>\nElement of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Excuse Me<br \/>\nOne of Mom&#8217;s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Eye<br \/>\nThe highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be &#8220;put out&#8221; by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Fable<br \/>\nA story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Food<br \/>\nThe response Mom usually gives in answer to the question &#8220;What&#8217;s for dinner tonight?&#8221; See &#8220;Sarcasm&#8221;.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Frozen<br \/>\nA type of food.<br \/>\nHow hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Garbage<br \/>\nA collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Geniuses<br \/>\nAmazingly, all of Mom&#8217;s kids.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Gum<br \/>\nAdhesive for the hair.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Hamper<br \/>\nA wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Handi-Wipes<br \/>\nPants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Hands<br \/>\nBody appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Hindsight<br \/>\nWhat Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Homemade Bread<br \/>\nAn object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Ice<br \/>\nCubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Inside<br \/>\nThat place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I Said So&#8221;>BR?<br \/>\nReason enough, according to Mom.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Jackpot<br \/>\nWhen all the kids stay at friends&#8217; homes for the night.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Jeans<br \/>\nWhich, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;JEEEEEEEEZ!&#8221;<br \/>\nSlang for &#8220;Gee Mom, isn&#8217;t there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Joy Ride<br \/>\nGoing somewhere without the kids.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Junk<br \/>\nDad&#8217;s stuff.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Ketchup<br \/>\nThe sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Kiss<br \/>\nMom medicine.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Lake<br \/>\nLarge body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Lemonade Stand<br \/>\nComplicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Lie<br \/>\nAn &#8220;exaggeration&#8221; Mom uses to transform her child&#8217;s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Losers<br \/>\nSee &#8220;Kids&#8217; Friends&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Makeup<br \/>\nLipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look &#8220;like a tramp.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Maybe<br \/>\nNo.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Milk<br \/>\nA healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it&#8217;s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;MOMMMMMMM!&#8221;<br \/>\nThe cry of a child on another floor who wants something.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Mush<br \/>\nWhat a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.<br \/>\nMain element of Mom&#8217;s favorite movies.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Nails<br \/>\nA hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and\/or doll clothing.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Panic<br \/>\nWhat a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Ocean<br \/>\nWhat the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Open<br \/>\nThe position of children&#8217;s mouths when they eat in front of company.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Overstuffed Recliner<br \/>\nMom&#8217;s nickname for Dad.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Penitentiary<br \/>\nWhere children who don&#8217;t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Pets<br \/>\nSmall, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Piano<br \/>\nA large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Purse<br \/>\nA handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find beacuse they&#8217;re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Quiet<br \/>\nA state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Raincoat<br \/>\nArticle of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it&#8217;s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear &#8220;the geeky thing.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Refrigerator<br \/>\nCombination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Room Mother<br \/>\nA position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>School Play<br \/>\nSadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reinactments of famous historic events.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Screaming<br \/>\nHome P.A. system.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Snowsuits<br \/>\nWarm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Soap<br \/>\nA cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Spit<br \/>\nAll-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids&#8217; faces.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Spoiled Rotten<br \/>\nWhat the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Sweater<br \/>\nMagically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, fly and even pneumonia.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Sunday Best<br \/>\nAttractive, expensive children&#8217;s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Teacher Conference<br \/>\nA meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child&#8217;s &#8220;special needs.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Terrible Two&#8217;s<br \/>\nHaving both kids at home all summer.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;That Way&#8221;<br \/>\nHow kids shouldn&#8217;t look at moms if they know what&#8217;s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Towels<br \/>\nSee &#8220;Floor Coverings&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Tramp<br \/>\nA woman with two kids and no stretch marks.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Trouble<br \/>\nArea of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Umpteenth<br \/>\nHighly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Underwear<br \/>\nAn article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Utopia<br \/>\nSee &#8220;Bubble Bath&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Vacation<br \/>\nWhere you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Vitamins<br \/>\nTiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be &#8220;Just like Daddy.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Walls<br \/>\nComplete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Washing Machine<br \/>\nHousehold appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;When your father gets home&#8230;&#8221;<br \/>\nStandard measurement of time between crime and punishment.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>XOXOXOXO<br \/>\nMom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid&#8217;s lunch box even more mortifying.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Xylophone<br \/>\nSmall toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also &#8220;DRUMS&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Yard Sale<br \/>\nHeart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids&#8217;s outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can&#8217;t bear to part with.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;YIPPEE!&#8221;<br \/>\nWhat Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.  See also &#8220;YAHOO!&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Zillion<br \/>\nAmount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Zucchini<br \/>\nVegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Airplane What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets. Alien What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. Apple Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. Baby Dad, when he gets a cold. Mom&#8217;s youngest child, even if he&#8217;s 42. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[492,1040],"class_list":["post-1517","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dictionaries","tag-definitions","tag-mothers"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1517","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1517"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1517\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1517"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1517"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1517"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}