{"id":1502,"date":"2014-12-31T19:40:48","date_gmt":"2014-12-31T17:40:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1502"},"modified":"2014-12-31T19:40:48","modified_gmt":"2014-12-31T17:40:48","slug":"the-guy-dictionary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1502","title":{"rendered":"The Guy Dictionary"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s a guy thing.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.&#8221;<\/li>\n<p><li>&#8220;I&#8217;m going fishing.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I&#8217;m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Let&#8217;s take your car.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Woman driver.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Someone who doesn&#8217;t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I don&#8217;t care what color you paint the kitchen.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;As long as it&#8217;s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Good idea.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;It&#8217;ll never work.  And I&#8217;ll spend the rest of the day gloating.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Have you lost weight?&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I&#8217;ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;My wife doesn&#8217;t understand me.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;She&#8217;s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I&#8217;m getting more exercise lately.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;The batteries in the remote are dead.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I got a lot done.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I found &#8216;Waldo&#8217; in almost every picture.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;We&#8217;re going to be late.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Hey, I&#8217;ve read all the classics.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I&#8217;ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;You cook just like my mother used to.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I was listening to you.  It&#8217;s just that I have things on my mind.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;That&#8217;s interesting, dear.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Are you still talking?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Honey, we don&#8217;t need material things to prove our love.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I forgot our anniversary again.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;You expect too much of me.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;You want me to stay awake.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;It&#8217;s a really good movie.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;It&#8217;s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;That&#8217;s women&#8217;s work.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;It&#8217;s difficult, dirty, and thankless.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Will you marry me?&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Both my roommates have moved out, I can&#8217;t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Go ask your mother.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I am incapable of making a decision.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;You know how bad my memory is.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I remember the theme song to &#8216;F Troop&#8217;, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I&#8217;ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Football is a man&#8217;s game.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Women are generally too smart to play it.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I do help around the house.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Hey, I&#8217;ve got my reasons for what I&#8217;m doing.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;What do you mean, you need new clothes?&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;She&#8217;s one of those rabid feminists.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;She refused to make my coffee.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;But I hate to go shopping.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;No, I left plenty of gas in the car..&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;You may actually get it to start.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I&#8217;m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I brought you a present.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I missed you.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I can&#8217;t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;We share the housework.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I make the messes, she cleans them up.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;This relationship is getting too serious.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I like you more than my truck.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I recycle.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;It sure snowed last night.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I suppose you&#8217;re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;It&#8217;s good beer.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;It was on sale.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I don&#8217;t need to read the instructions.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;ll fix the garbage disposal later.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;If I wait long enough you&#8217;ll get frustrated and buy a new one.&#8221;<\/li>\n<p><li>&#8220;I broke up with her.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;She dumped me.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I&#8217;ll take you to a fancy restaurant.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Someplace that doesn&#8217;t have a drive-thru window.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Can I help with dinner?&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Why isn&#8217;t it already on the table?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Uh huh,&#8221; &#8220;Sure, Honey,&#8221; OR &#8220;Yes, dear&#8221;<br \/>\nAbsolutely nothing. It&#8217;s a conditioned response.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;It would take too long to explain&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I have no idea how it works.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I was listening to you. It&#8217;s just that I have things on my mind.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Take a break, honey, you&#8217;re working too hard.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I can&#8217;t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;Oh, don&#8217;t fuss. I just cut myself. It&#8217;s no big deal.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I&#8217;m hurt.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I can&#8217;t find it.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;It didn&#8217;t fall into my outstretched hands, so I&#8217;m completely clueless.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;What did I do this time?&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;What did you catch me at?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I heard you.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I haven&#8217;t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don&#8217;t spend the next three days yelling at me.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;You know I could never love anyone else.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;You look terrific.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;Oh, God, please don&#8217;t try on one more outfit, I&#8217;m starving.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8220;I&#8217;m not lost. I know exactly where we are.&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8220;No one will ever see us alive again.&#8221;<br \/>\nOR<br \/>\n&#8220;I&#8217;m lost. I have no idea where we are, and I am too  proud to ask for directions.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;It&#8217;s a guy thing.&#8221; &#8220;There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.&#8221; &#8220;I&#8217;m going fishing.&#8221; &#8220;I&#8217;m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.&#8221; &#8220;Let&#8217;s take [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[492,950],"class_list":["post-1502","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dictionaries","tag-definitions","tag-male"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1502","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1502"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1502\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1502"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1502"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1502"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}