{"id":1482,"date":"2014-12-31T12:56:34","date_gmt":"2014-12-31T10:56:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1482"},"modified":"2014-12-31T12:56:34","modified_gmt":"2014-12-31T10:56:34","slug":"handy-guide-to-deciphering-personals-ads","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1482","title":{"rendered":"Handy Guide to Deciphering Personals Ads"},"content":{"rendered":"<p align=\"center\"><strong>Women&#8217;s Ads<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>40-ish &#8211; 49<\/li>\n<li>Adventurer &#8211; Slept with all your friends<\/li>\n<li>Athletic &#8211; No tits<\/li>\n<li>Average  looking &#8211; Has a face like a basset hound<\/li>\n<li>Beautiful &#8211; Pathological liar<\/li>\n<li>Contagious Smile &#8211; Does a lot of  Ecstasy<\/li>\n<li>Educated &#8211; Banged her Political Science professor<\/li>\n<li>Emotionally  Secure &#8211; Medicated<\/li>\n<li>Feminist &#8211; Fat ballbuster<\/li>\n<li>Free spirit &#8211; Junkie<\/li>\n<li>Friendship first &#8211; Trying to live down reputation as a slut<\/li>\n<li>Fun &#8211; Annoying<\/li>\n<li>Gentle &#8211; Comatose<\/li>\n<li>Good  Listener &#8211; Borderline  Autistic<\/li>\n<li>New-Age &#8211; All body hair, all the time<\/li>\n<li>Old-fashioned &#8211; Lights out, missionary position only, no  BJs<\/li>\n<li>Open-minded &#8211; Desperate<\/li>\n<li>Outgoing &#8211; Loud and Embarrassing<\/li>\n<li>Passionate &#8211; Sloppy  drunk<\/li>\n<li>Poet &#8211; Depressive Schizophrenic<\/li>\n<li>Professional &#8211; Certified  Bitch<\/li>\n<li>Redhead &#8211; Bad  dye-job<\/li>\n<li>Reubenesque &#8211; Grossly  Fat<\/li>\n<li>Romantic &#8211; Looks better by candle  light<\/li>\n<li>Social &#8211; Has been passed around like an hors d&#8217;oeuvres tray<\/li>\n<li>Voluptuous &#8211; Very Fat, Weight proportion w\/ height.<\/li>\n<li>Hugely Fat &#8211; as tall as you are wide<\/li>\n<li>Wants Soulmate &#8211; Stalker<\/li>\n<li>Widow &#8211; Drove first husband to shoot  himself<\/li>\n<li>Young at heart &#8211; Old bat<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p align=\"center\"><b>Men&#8217;s  Ads<\/b><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>40-ish &#8211; 52 and looking for 25-yr-old<\/li>\n<li>Athletic &#8211; Watches a lot of NASCAR<\/li>\n<li>Average looking &#8211; Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &#038;  back<\/li>\n<li>Educated &#8211; Will patronize the shit out of  you<\/li>\n<li>Free Spirit &#8211; Banging your sister<\/li>\n<li>Friendship  first &#8211; As long as friendship involves  nookie<\/li>\n<li>Fun &#8211; Good with a remote and a six  pack<\/li>\n<li>Good looking &#8211; Arrogant<\/li>\n<li>Very good  looking &#8211; Dumb as a  board<\/li>\n<li>Honest &#8211; Pathological Liar<\/li>\n<li>Huggable &#8211; Overweight, more body hair than a bear<\/li>\n<li>Likes to cuddle &#8211; Insecure mama&#8217;s  boy<\/li>\n<li>Mature &#8211; Older than your father<\/li>\n<li>Open-minded &#8211; Wants to sleep with your roommate but she&#8217;s not interested<\/li>\n<li>Physically  fit &#8211; Does a lot of 12-ounce curls<\/li>\n<li>Poet &#8211; Wrote ex-girlfriend&#8217;s # on a bathroom stall<\/li>\n<li>Sensitive &#8211; Cries at chick flicks<\/li>\n<li>Very  sensitive &#8211; Gay<\/li>\n<li>Spiritual &#8211; Got laid in a cemetery once<\/li>\n<li>Stable &#8211; Arrested for stalking, but not convicted<\/li>\n<li>Thoughtful &#8211; Says &#8220;Excuse me&#8221; when he farts<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Women&#8217;s Ads 40-ish &#8211; 49 Adventurer &#8211; Slept with all your friends Athletic &#8211; No tits Average looking &#8211; Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful &#8211; Pathological liar Contagious Smile &#8211; Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated &#8211; Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure &#8211; Medicated Feminist &#8211; Fat ballbuster Free spirit [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wpmdr_menu":1,"wpmdr_menu_extended":{"individualPostRemove":1,"individualPostRemoveDate":1,"individualPostRemoveAuthor":1,"individualPostYoastRemovePublished":1,"individualPostYoastRemoveModified":1},"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[492,1150],"class_list":["post-1482","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dictionaries","tag-definitions","tag-personal-ads"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1482","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1482"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1482\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1482"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1482"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1482"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}